I wonder whether I have developed a phobia of feeling or having any emotion. Negative ones that is. I don’t like watching heavy drama, I don’t like spending time watching movies, and I don’t even like reading a certain kind of books anymore. Why?
I don’t like the feeling of stress when I watch some dramas or movies. Soaps, with backstabbing, envy, jealousy and the likes, forget it. Movies that can potentially cause tears, forget it. Movies that can make me sit on the edge of my seat, disregard it. Books with plots that can haunt me for days, don’t even think about it.
Sometimes I’d look for spoilers on the Internet before watching any shows/movies so I’ll know how it will end. I’m just so impatient to wait for the story to unravel itself. If the drama or movie is showing some scene where something bad is about to happen, I’ll switch channel. I don’t have the heart to watch.
The feeling is just like watching our badminton team during Thomas Cup. How we hope they’ll win but when they’re not leading, we’d be prompted to change the TV channel. Just in case, they’ll pick up more points when we’re not watching.
I’m avoiding myself from having any emotion that I can’t do anything about. I wonder how some people can watch wrestling on TV, hoping their favorite wrestler will beat up the opponent real bad and yet they can’t do anything about it if the opponent beat up their favorite wrestler instead. Don’t they have heart attack watching all that action?
I wasn’t like this before. The only movies I avoid are Hindi movies. The plot is so predictable, the songs and fight scene means break time for me and yet, the endings can normally evoke tears. Crying gives me headache so no Hindi movies for me. Now, I just avoid any anxiety, worry, upset, stress causing dramas, movies and books.
Isn’t that bad? I don’t want to have feelings anymore. Or at least, I have to deal with enough emotions in the real world, I don’t want to escape into deeper feelings when I’m supposed to de-stress with books and movies.
Whatever it is, I’m feeling a bit weary. As a human, we’re supposed to feel. I don’t want to not wanting to feel. I’m part Leo. I can’t be an Ice Queen, cold and hard, devoid of emotion.
Sunflower gives the connotation of cheerfulness, bright, jolly, merry... you get the idea! However, if any content in this blog didn't fit the cheerfulness implied by its name, look at it this way... I'm putting down all the wretchedness, gloom, melancholy feeling in here so I can continue living up to the expectation of making the association to the sunflower.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Friends Wanted
SISTERS
A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother.
As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter.
"Don't forget your Sisters," she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. "They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need Sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them.
"Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women... your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too.
"You'll need other women. Women always do."
'What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman thought. 'Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!'
But she listened to her Mother. She kept contact with her Sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, Sisters are the mainstays of her life.
After years of living in this world, here is what I've learned:
THIS SAYS IT ALL:
Time passes. Life happens. Distance separates. Children grow up. Jobs come and go. Love waxes and wanes. Hearts break. Parents die. Colleagues forget favors. Careers end.
BUT.........
Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.
A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.
Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you.
Or come in and carry you out.
Girl friends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunts, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life!
The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I.
When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead.
Nor did we know how much we would need each other.
Every day, we need each other still.
A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother.
As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter.
"Don't forget your Sisters," she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. "They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need Sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them.
"Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women... your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too.
"You'll need other women. Women always do."
'What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman thought. 'Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!'
But she listened to her Mother. She kept contact with her Sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, Sisters are the mainstays of her life.
After years of living in this world, here is what I've learned:
THIS SAYS IT ALL:
Time passes. Life happens. Distance separates. Children grow up. Jobs come and go. Love waxes and wanes. Hearts break. Parents die. Colleagues forget favors. Careers end.
BUT.........
Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.
A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.
Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you.
Or come in and carry you out.
Girl friends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunts, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life!
The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I.
When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead.
Nor did we know how much we would need each other.
Every day, we need each other still.
That is one good advice. Except I find it hard to do nowadays. With the current job, I can't seem to have time for social activities anymore. To add to the problem, two of my close friends have moved far away. I missed time spent with them so much. Other married friends spent time with their families or other married couple. They have their kids as the common factor to bond.
As a single lady, if there are no common interest, the relationship will not advanced to another level. So should I advertise "Friends Wanted!"?
So anybody as nice as me wants to get together? Hehehe... Let's see if we have common interest.
Errr... but come to think of it, I fear this ad will attract the wrong kind of 'friend'. Besides, who in the right mind would advertise for a friend. Friendship happens in a special way. Right?
Others: Wanted
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Selembik Sotong
I don’t feel good. Today I have to ask my colleague to drive me home in my car. Well, not exactly home but quite near. He normally takes the commuter so he stopped at the commuter station near my place and I continued driving from there. I thought I can close my eyes along the way but he has not driven a manual car for quite some time so I don’t think closing my eyes is a good idea.
Last Monday, traffic was bad. I leave office at 6.45 and reached home at 8.30. I was as lembik as a sotong by the time I get home. Then yesterday my brother called to say his car is having a problem. It stopped in the middle of the road under the problematic MRR2. I’m still feeling tired from the day before and have thought of taking a different route hoping for less jam but got no choice but to go to my brother.
He tried starting his car with my car battery but it still went dead after driving for a few metres. He got no choice but to wait for the traffic to lessen down and call a mechanic he knew. I did not wait with him though. He knew what he’s doing.
Today, at about 4 p.m. I started to feel very nauseous and weak. I’ve also been experiencing a mild headache with heaviness behind my neck. I don’t know what has gotten into me. I do have low blood pressure the last time I check, gastric and God knows what else but I have taken food on time today. I even drink tea with milk at some time around 3. Could it be the tea? Could it be something I take during lunch. I have no idea.
I’ve taken some cereals with soymilk for dinner. Too weak to take anything else. I’m lying down right now with my laptop on my lap. I better stop now and have an early night.
Last Monday, traffic was bad. I leave office at 6.45 and reached home at 8.30. I was as lembik as a sotong by the time I get home. Then yesterday my brother called to say his car is having a problem. It stopped in the middle of the road under the problematic MRR2. I’m still feeling tired from the day before and have thought of taking a different route hoping for less jam but got no choice but to go to my brother.
He tried starting his car with my car battery but it still went dead after driving for a few metres. He got no choice but to wait for the traffic to lessen down and call a mechanic he knew. I did not wait with him though. He knew what he’s doing.
Today, at about 4 p.m. I started to feel very nauseous and weak. I’ve also been experiencing a mild headache with heaviness behind my neck. I don’t know what has gotten into me. I do have low blood pressure the last time I check, gastric and God knows what else but I have taken food on time today. I even drink tea with milk at some time around 3. Could it be the tea? Could it be something I take during lunch. I have no idea.
I’ve taken some cereals with soymilk for dinner. Too weak to take anything else. I’m lying down right now with my laptop on my lap. I better stop now and have an early night.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Cari 'Jantan'???
Dayang is belting this number right now. Quite appropriate for the entry I had in mind.
Tiga malam kumencarimu
Tiga malam hatiku sunyi
Dimanakah engkau sayang
Kuingin lekas kau pulang
-Tiga Malam (Dayang)-
I've seen and heard about marriages in hell. I've also seen and heard about marriages that are not anywhere near hell yet. And every time a friend told me they've found someone, my heart gets a jolt. How long has it been since there's someone special in my life? Very very long time ago it seems. Time flies so fast and it has been several years now that I consider being in a relationship is just not for me. Once or twice I came close to change that. Just close. When someone close tried to introduce someone with the possibility of marriage, I'd give many excuses so as not to put up their hopes and expectations, and maybe discouraged the idea altogether. It seems to work so far but then I wonder why I didn't want to give it a chance. As I've mentioned earlier, not all relationships ended up in hell.
I am not repulsed at the idea of having someone who cares and someone to care for but most of the time, the stories of terrible relationships and marriages are too terrifying to justify the risk taken. So here I am.
Sometimes I feel like voicing out my thoughts to my friends. These kinds of thoughts to be exact. If God created things in pair, shouldn't everything and everyone have partners? Or is He referring to general creations like day and night, man and woman, etc. But not man A with woman A and man B with woman B, etc. I'd wonder ten years down the road, will I live the same life? Half way through my analysis about life and relationship, some well meaning friends would come up with the following statement in their effort to 'calm' me down. "Sometimes, when we stop looking, we WILL find someone."
I don't know whether I should thank them or what. Excuse me... hellooo... for these past few years I ni takder kerja lain but cari 'jantan' ker? I know they meant well. I know they have my best interest at heart. But then again, words can hurt and inflict real wound. Unlike the lyrics from the song above, I did not spend sleepless nights looking for 'jantan' or 'sayang' whichever word you deemed appropriate. It's a luxury I could do without, considering the risk. And I think it is normal for any single person out there to wonder about their life and relationship sometimes. Just don't imply anything.
Maybe you can say that to someone who hangs around at the bar or mamak's every day and night, hoping someone would come along. Maybe you can say that to someone who has been pestering everybody he/she knows to set him/her up with somebody. Maybe you can say that to someone who has been looking for a relationship via chat room, dating websites, etc. all the time. But don't say that to me. It's like you don't know me at all. Well, maybe you don't and I shouldn't take offense. So instead of telling someone about what's in my mind, maybe I should just blog about it from now on. I'm sending my thoughts to the void and hopefully the void didn't come back with more nasty comments even if it is unintentional.
May everyone be happy with his or her relationship and me with mine.... or lack of it to be exact.
Tiga malam kumencarimu
Tiga malam hatiku sunyi
Dimanakah engkau sayang
Kuingin lekas kau pulang
-Tiga Malam (Dayang)-
I've seen and heard about marriages in hell. I've also seen and heard about marriages that are not anywhere near hell yet. And every time a friend told me they've found someone, my heart gets a jolt. How long has it been since there's someone special in my life? Very very long time ago it seems. Time flies so fast and it has been several years now that I consider being in a relationship is just not for me. Once or twice I came close to change that. Just close. When someone close tried to introduce someone with the possibility of marriage, I'd give many excuses so as not to put up their hopes and expectations, and maybe discouraged the idea altogether. It seems to work so far but then I wonder why I didn't want to give it a chance. As I've mentioned earlier, not all relationships ended up in hell.
I am not repulsed at the idea of having someone who cares and someone to care for but most of the time, the stories of terrible relationships and marriages are too terrifying to justify the risk taken. So here I am.
Sometimes I feel like voicing out my thoughts to my friends. These kinds of thoughts to be exact. If God created things in pair, shouldn't everything and everyone have partners? Or is He referring to general creations like day and night, man and woman, etc. But not man A with woman A and man B with woman B, etc. I'd wonder ten years down the road, will I live the same life? Half way through my analysis about life and relationship, some well meaning friends would come up with the following statement in their effort to 'calm' me down. "Sometimes, when we stop looking, we WILL find someone."
I don't know whether I should thank them or what. Excuse me... hellooo... for these past few years I ni takder kerja lain but cari 'jantan' ker? I know they meant well. I know they have my best interest at heart. But then again, words can hurt and inflict real wound. Unlike the lyrics from the song above, I did not spend sleepless nights looking for 'jantan' or 'sayang' whichever word you deemed appropriate. It's a luxury I could do without, considering the risk. And I think it is normal for any single person out there to wonder about their life and relationship sometimes. Just don't imply anything.
Maybe you can say that to someone who hangs around at the bar or mamak's every day and night, hoping someone would come along. Maybe you can say that to someone who has been pestering everybody he/she knows to set him/her up with somebody. Maybe you can say that to someone who has been looking for a relationship via chat room, dating websites, etc. all the time. But don't say that to me. It's like you don't know me at all. Well, maybe you don't and I shouldn't take offense. So instead of telling someone about what's in my mind, maybe I should just blog about it from now on. I'm sending my thoughts to the void and hopefully the void didn't come back with more nasty comments even if it is unintentional.
May everyone be happy with his or her relationship and me with mine.... or lack of it to be exact.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Blogging Night
I’m supposed to join a bloggers meet today. However, of all the days, I have to be indisposed today. Of all days, mind you! :(
I just don’t feel like doing anything but lie down on the couch, surfing the net, watching TV and playing Snood in between. My right hand is a bit cramped due to the tensed position while shooting all the snood shapes. Sigh! And the worse part, I have a craving for McD’s Grilled Chicken Foldover and they’re not delivering to my area even though there’s McD just around the corner (literally). Hmmpphhh!!!! Have to settle for cereals and Soya bean milk for dinner.
There’s nothing interesting on TV tonight. There’s nothing interesting in PPS either. Saturday night is not a blogging night for many. So here I am, trying to write something for my blog. I’ll make this a blogging night for me. After listening to some fast beats from Ricky Martin, I’m now listening to Dayang’s melodious husky voice while trying to come up with something, anything to put in my blog.
Not that I have nothing to write. There are many in my mind but not very coherent thoughts that I can simply string into an articulate piece. Actually, forget articulate! Try understandable. It is starting to rain now. I wonder how they’re doing at the gathering. Maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t go. It’s Saturday night of a school holiday weekend. The place must have been swarmed with people and parking must be a nightmare. It is raining now too. :) Those are just words to pacify me for not being able to go. Sigh!
I think I’ll write about something that has been on my mind for quite some time on a different entry. Stay tuned...
I just don’t feel like doing anything but lie down on the couch, surfing the net, watching TV and playing Snood in between. My right hand is a bit cramped due to the tensed position while shooting all the snood shapes. Sigh! And the worse part, I have a craving for McD’s Grilled Chicken Foldover and they’re not delivering to my area even though there’s McD just around the corner (literally). Hmmpphhh!!!! Have to settle for cereals and Soya bean milk for dinner.
There’s nothing interesting on TV tonight. There’s nothing interesting in PPS either. Saturday night is not a blogging night for many. So here I am, trying to write something for my blog. I’ll make this a blogging night for me. After listening to some fast beats from Ricky Martin, I’m now listening to Dayang’s melodious husky voice while trying to come up with something, anything to put in my blog.
Not that I have nothing to write. There are many in my mind but not very coherent thoughts that I can simply string into an articulate piece. Actually, forget articulate! Try understandable. It is starting to rain now. I wonder how they’re doing at the gathering. Maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t go. It’s Saturday night of a school holiday weekend. The place must have been swarmed with people and parking must be a nightmare. It is raining now too. :) Those are just words to pacify me for not being able to go. Sigh!
I think I’ll write about something that has been on my mind for quite some time on a different entry. Stay tuned...
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Small Ideas
"We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same. ~Unknown~"
A friend forwarded an inspiring email about how an old man makes money in one of the big shopping complexes in KL. With no close relatives whom he can turn to, he has to work and get some money so he can buy medicines for his diabetic condition. But no company would hire a 65 years old man. With the help of his friend, he got a job to vacuum, throw away the rubbish and wipe the glass of a store in the shopping complex for RM10 per day. It only took him about 15 minutes to complete the job. Soon, more storeowners want him to clean their stores. Now he cleans up to 20 stores and has to turn down request from other stores.
Just imagine RM10 x 20 stores X 7 days = RM1400 per week. How much can he make in a month? Free from income tax an EPF deduction.
It is a simple but very profitable idea. We often heard about thinking big to make a difference. It may work for some. But for others, they may have execution problem even though the big idea is a great idea. I'm also inspired when I read "The Magic of Thinking Big". But it may appear daunting to some people.
And try as hard as I can, I couldn't think of any big ideas that could move my world. Maybe I'm limited with my 'rational' or 'realistic' thought. Many people are. Sometimes success stories of other people seem very far away from our reality.
But small ideas, that sounds workable. It may even become big. But the fact that it started from a small idea did not make it so intimidating. Now, thinking as hard as I can, I still couldn't think of small ideas that could move my world but maybe one day I'll get the inspiration. Big, or small! I just want to condition my mind to be aware of opportunities that may appear out of nowhere. We'll never know.
In fact, when I think back of my previous job, my little request for software enhancements has always pushed the limit of the developer. And one enhancement could lead to another, and another, and another, until a totally new version is required. I've done it before. In my job. Why can't I do it in my personal life? I think our level of awareness and mind conditioning plays a vital role. Just like when we thought that car in gold color looks nice and they are rarely seen on the road. But the moment we bought it, we see it almost everywhere. It is not rare anymore. Why didn't we notice it before? Did people also thought the same thing and bought cars of the same color at about the same time we purchase ours? The truth is, we just did not condition our mind to notice it before.
So don't shun small ideas. Now, if only I can get small ideas that brings in big money. I sit in front of a mirror, pretend my head is a crystal ball and starts chanting "small ideas come to me", "small ideas come to me", with hands going around my head just like how a fortune teller do it to their crystal ball. Hehehe... just kidding.
Interesting read on small ideas:
The Power of Small Ideas
Thinking Small
A friend forwarded an inspiring email about how an old man makes money in one of the big shopping complexes in KL. With no close relatives whom he can turn to, he has to work and get some money so he can buy medicines for his diabetic condition. But no company would hire a 65 years old man. With the help of his friend, he got a job to vacuum, throw away the rubbish and wipe the glass of a store in the shopping complex for RM10 per day. It only took him about 15 minutes to complete the job. Soon, more storeowners want him to clean their stores. Now he cleans up to 20 stores and has to turn down request from other stores.
Just imagine RM10 x 20 stores X 7 days = RM1400 per week. How much can he make in a month? Free from income tax an EPF deduction.
It is a simple but very profitable idea. We often heard about thinking big to make a difference. It may work for some. But for others, they may have execution problem even though the big idea is a great idea. I'm also inspired when I read "The Magic of Thinking Big". But it may appear daunting to some people.
And try as hard as I can, I couldn't think of any big ideas that could move my world. Maybe I'm limited with my 'rational' or 'realistic' thought. Many people are. Sometimes success stories of other people seem very far away from our reality.
But small ideas, that sounds workable. It may even become big. But the fact that it started from a small idea did not make it so intimidating. Now, thinking as hard as I can, I still couldn't think of small ideas that could move my world but maybe one day I'll get the inspiration. Big, or small! I just want to condition my mind to be aware of opportunities that may appear out of nowhere. We'll never know.
In fact, when I think back of my previous job, my little request for software enhancements has always pushed the limit of the developer. And one enhancement could lead to another, and another, and another, until a totally new version is required. I've done it before. In my job. Why can't I do it in my personal life? I think our level of awareness and mind conditioning plays a vital role. Just like when we thought that car in gold color looks nice and they are rarely seen on the road. But the moment we bought it, we see it almost everywhere. It is not rare anymore. Why didn't we notice it before? Did people also thought the same thing and bought cars of the same color at about the same time we purchase ours? The truth is, we just did not condition our mind to notice it before.
So don't shun small ideas. Now, if only I can get small ideas that brings in big money. I sit in front of a mirror, pretend my head is a crystal ball and starts chanting "small ideas come to me", "small ideas come to me", with hands going around my head just like how a fortune teller do it to their crystal ball. Hehehe... just kidding.
Interesting read on small ideas:
The Power of Small Ideas
Thinking Small
Thursday, March 9, 2006
Today
Last night, I remembered someone forwarded an email about water disruption some time last week. If I remember correctly, my area would be affected today. To be sure, I googled for the info and it’s true. It will be from 9.30 a.m. to 12.30 p.m.
So this morning, I was busy finding containers to keep water. I already have 2 pails and 1 big container but just in case, I better keep some more. In rushing between clearing the dishes in the sink, doing my laundry, having cereal for breakfast and getting ready for work, I forgot my office door tag and my hand phone.
I only realized it after Jalan Duta toll. The traffic was quite bad and I was looking for my handphone just in case I have to tell someone at the office I’ll be late. If only I can turn back, but that’s impossible. So I have to live without my handphone today.
During lunch, discovered I forgot to bring my purse. Have to borrow money from my colleague. Sigh! What else could go wrong today?
I have some problem with the system at the training room again and I got news the IT lady has tendered her resignation. What??!!! Who’s going to help me with the system when she’s gone? Not just me! The whole organization! She’s the only one doing support for that module. There are more actually. But she’s the only one who knows what she’s doing.
Someone must have not known how to appreciate his or her staff. Someone must have not known what kind of problem users faced every day and how it is being solved. As long as they get their promotions, problem faced by end users are immaterial. I’m so frustrated for her. Frustrated for myself too.
And the Human Resource Minister do not want people to job hop! If people are worked like a machine and paid pittance, the people might as well go and work like a machine elsewhere that pays more. We’re not friends. I wish we were. I’m thinking of getting her a nice farewell gift. The organization may not appreciate her work but I do. Hopefully it will lift her spirit up.
On my way back, I was thinking either to cook dinner or buy some food elsewhere. I am not going to buy food at my place since there’s no water at the whole area, they can’t clean food properly before cooking. It’s doubtful how they clean food even with water supply, but I still bought food from the stalls sometimes. Hopefully the heat from being cooked will kill all the germs.
I reached my apartment and discover there’s water at the tap. That could mean two things. Either Syabas get the job done earlier or they are not on schedule. I fear the latter as I could be caught off guard without water. Sigh! Anyway, I cook dinner on record time today.
Then, I have another disturbing thing to think about. Pretty disturbing. Just leave me alone!!! I wanna have my peace to ramble all I want to the void. Faceless, nameless void. Just let me be. If I wanna be bad, if I wanna be evil, if I wanna be an angel, just let me be.
What else could go wrong today?
So this morning, I was busy finding containers to keep water. I already have 2 pails and 1 big container but just in case, I better keep some more. In rushing between clearing the dishes in the sink, doing my laundry, having cereal for breakfast and getting ready for work, I forgot my office door tag and my hand phone.
I only realized it after Jalan Duta toll. The traffic was quite bad and I was looking for my handphone just in case I have to tell someone at the office I’ll be late. If only I can turn back, but that’s impossible. So I have to live without my handphone today.
During lunch, discovered I forgot to bring my purse. Have to borrow money from my colleague. Sigh! What else could go wrong today?
I have some problem with the system at the training room again and I got news the IT lady has tendered her resignation. What??!!! Who’s going to help me with the system when she’s gone? Not just me! The whole organization! She’s the only one doing support for that module. There are more actually. But she’s the only one who knows what she’s doing.
Someone must have not known how to appreciate his or her staff. Someone must have not known what kind of problem users faced every day and how it is being solved. As long as they get their promotions, problem faced by end users are immaterial. I’m so frustrated for her. Frustrated for myself too.
And the Human Resource Minister do not want people to job hop! If people are worked like a machine and paid pittance, the people might as well go and work like a machine elsewhere that pays more. We’re not friends. I wish we were. I’m thinking of getting her a nice farewell gift. The organization may not appreciate her work but I do. Hopefully it will lift her spirit up.
On my way back, I was thinking either to cook dinner or buy some food elsewhere. I am not going to buy food at my place since there’s no water at the whole area, they can’t clean food properly before cooking. It’s doubtful how they clean food even with water supply, but I still bought food from the stalls sometimes. Hopefully the heat from being cooked will kill all the germs.
I reached my apartment and discover there’s water at the tap. That could mean two things. Either Syabas get the job done earlier or they are not on schedule. I fear the latter as I could be caught off guard without water. Sigh! Anyway, I cook dinner on record time today.
Then, I have another disturbing thing to think about. Pretty disturbing. Just leave me alone!!! I wanna have my peace to ramble all I want to the void. Faceless, nameless void. Just let me be. If I wanna be bad, if I wanna be evil, if I wanna be an angel, just let me be.
What else could go wrong today?
Monday, March 6, 2006
It Doesn't Matter
I was reading some blogs earlier and some of the topics touched me deeply that I feel like I should clarify things on my behalf. Some generalizations have been made and I feel like I should voice out that I’m not like that. Not everyone is like that. I was very much ready to list down my points to support my view. However, I was interrupted while in the midst of composing my reply.
When I return, I re-read my reply, re-read the blog and changed my mind about replying. Does it matter what a bunch of people who didn’t know me thinks? Should I care about the opinion of people who did not share my laughter and tears? We can’t change peoples opinion if they are convinced what they believe is true. We can accept that or agree to disagree. If you know you’re going to die tomorrow, whatever the argument is today doesn’t matter anymore right. Even if you didn’t die tomorrow, 2-3 months down the road, it still did not matter. So why bother? It doesn’t really matter.
I should focus on things that matter to me like my training tomorrow, those who are near and dear, my near future plan and things like that. Sometimes we have to take life in stride and focus our energy on what counts. I hope I’ll remember this the next time someone or something not important crosses my path. It doesn’t matter :)
When I return, I re-read my reply, re-read the blog and changed my mind about replying. Does it matter what a bunch of people who didn’t know me thinks? Should I care about the opinion of people who did not share my laughter and tears? We can’t change peoples opinion if they are convinced what they believe is true. We can accept that or agree to disagree. If you know you’re going to die tomorrow, whatever the argument is today doesn’t matter anymore right. Even if you didn’t die tomorrow, 2-3 months down the road, it still did not matter. So why bother? It doesn’t really matter.
I should focus on things that matter to me like my training tomorrow, those who are near and dear, my near future plan and things like that. Sometimes we have to take life in stride and focus our energy on what counts. I hope I’ll remember this the next time someone or something not important crosses my path. It doesn’t matter :)
Saturday, March 4, 2006
Unproductive Stress
My mom stayed with me for a week because my brother went outstation. Other than that, I have been busy at work, preparing materials for my training next week. I have to keep my sanity in between the stress of making sure the system works fine and annoying, exasperating, irritating JD. Both stresses are unproductive and I wonder how I can avoid them.
The production system is working fine most of the time. I'm using the testing environment for my system training and every time before training, something did not work. Sigh! There's no dedicated IT support team to help. I just have to call several people from different unit to fix the problem. So I'll call A, explain the problem and she said it's not her area so please call B. I call B, explain the problem and B will then ask me to call C first to check on XYZ. I call C and ask him to check on XYZ, he's not at his place. D takes the call and promise to give the message to C. Sometimes C will call me back, sometimes D forgot to relay the message to C or C just put my problem on hold because he has production issues to solve.
When I finally get reply from C, I'll call B who will then say it is actually A's problem. When I call A to give the message, she will huff and puff and said she'll check and get back to me. This will continue on and on until the day before my training or until the day I conducted the training. The senior trainers who have done system training before understand perfectly what I'm going through the days before my system training. They'll help wherever they can including getting JD off my back. I'm very grateful for that.
JD is the most annoying, exasperating and irritating person I have ever work with. I know those words have similar meaning but I really want to use all of them. That's how annoying, exasperating and irritating she is. She joins the company one month after I did with 14 years industry experience. I'm a newbie in the industry. But, JD has been acting like she's fresh out of school even after 8 months in the company. What happen to her 14 years industry experience? How has she survive all these years behaving like this? And how on earth she's selected to join the company? Someone make a judgment error during the selection and that someone has left our unit. Not due to JD though. And now we're stuck with JD.
She said she also did system training in her previous organization but she didn't have a single clue about PC. She even asked me what to do when she got "It is now safe to turn off your computer" message. I was initially cordial towards her but when she keeps asking about her PC problem which is not a problem really, I began to get irritated. Hey! I got my work to do. I'm not here to serve you. My other colleagues are not IT savvy too and I did help them every now and then. But JD, I don't know what else to say. We have IT support team for end user PC problems but my unit thought they don't have to wait for them if I can solve their problem. I did, many times, but I don't want to if I'm rushing for my deadline. If you're PC illiterate at this time and age, you have to do something about it if your work involves PC. Didn't we have to upgrade our knowledge if we want to have that edge in our career?
I just don't think it is fair. I'm sure she's paid more than me based on her resumes alone. I broke my back learning about the new industry, learn everything I needed to know to do my job and yet she manages without doing much. She thought she can escape by saying she didn't know. She also thought she can escape by saying she only know the old policy at her previous organization. She can't be a trainer there, an educator, and didn't educate herself with the latest changes in policy and practices. Isn't it unfair? Unfair to me, unfair to our other colleagues, and unfair to the people who are more capable and should be selected for the position instead of her.
She has no social intelligence at all. If I said I'm busy, she'll keep on asking me questions with a big smile on her face. Some senior trainers have briefed her about the proper ways to do this and that, she'll continue being her 'blur' self and has to be told about things again and again. As for her dressing sense, she needs to get on the What Not To Wear program if there is one here. A colleague noticed she's been wearing the same black with brown thin stripe pants for a few days. Just to be sure, I started observing her pants from Monday and true enough, she wears the same pants right up to Saturday. A colleague remarked even a male cat can give birth at her place. That's how messy she is.
Anyway, whatever it is, I will not be bothered if she do her job and let me do mine. But I kept being disturbed by her silly questions and requests. If she is a fresh grad and didn't come with 14 years industry experience, I don't think I would mind entertaining no matter how silly the questions and requests are. But you better learn fast. That is a required skill in a job, more important than your paper qualification.
Now, how do I make these unproductive stresses go away. As to the system, I'm considering operating it just like another production system. I wonder whether we have enough system resources to do that. As for JD, can I pretend she didn't exist? Whenever she asks silly questions, can I just pretend I didn't hear her and continue with my work? If she didn't listen to me when I said I'm busy and keep asking me to help her with things, maybe I too can choose not to listen to her. I'd probably give that a try next week and see how it goes.
So this weekend I'll stay at home to brush up on my trainer's material. I better come up with something just in case the system decided to play up on me again during the training.
The production system is working fine most of the time. I'm using the testing environment for my system training and every time before training, something did not work. Sigh! There's no dedicated IT support team to help. I just have to call several people from different unit to fix the problem. So I'll call A, explain the problem and she said it's not her area so please call B. I call B, explain the problem and B will then ask me to call C first to check on XYZ. I call C and ask him to check on XYZ, he's not at his place. D takes the call and promise to give the message to C. Sometimes C will call me back, sometimes D forgot to relay the message to C or C just put my problem on hold because he has production issues to solve.
When I finally get reply from C, I'll call B who will then say it is actually A's problem. When I call A to give the message, she will huff and puff and said she'll check and get back to me. This will continue on and on until the day before my training or until the day I conducted the training. The senior trainers who have done system training before understand perfectly what I'm going through the days before my system training. They'll help wherever they can including getting JD off my back. I'm very grateful for that.
JD is the most annoying, exasperating and irritating person I have ever work with. I know those words have similar meaning but I really want to use all of them. That's how annoying, exasperating and irritating she is. She joins the company one month after I did with 14 years industry experience. I'm a newbie in the industry. But, JD has been acting like she's fresh out of school even after 8 months in the company. What happen to her 14 years industry experience? How has she survive all these years behaving like this? And how on earth she's selected to join the company? Someone make a judgment error during the selection and that someone has left our unit. Not due to JD though. And now we're stuck with JD.
She said she also did system training in her previous organization but she didn't have a single clue about PC. She even asked me what to do when she got "It is now safe to turn off your computer" message. I was initially cordial towards her but when she keeps asking about her PC problem which is not a problem really, I began to get irritated. Hey! I got my work to do. I'm not here to serve you. My other colleagues are not IT savvy too and I did help them every now and then. But JD, I don't know what else to say. We have IT support team for end user PC problems but my unit thought they don't have to wait for them if I can solve their problem. I did, many times, but I don't want to if I'm rushing for my deadline. If you're PC illiterate at this time and age, you have to do something about it if your work involves PC. Didn't we have to upgrade our knowledge if we want to have that edge in our career?
I just don't think it is fair. I'm sure she's paid more than me based on her resumes alone. I broke my back learning about the new industry, learn everything I needed to know to do my job and yet she manages without doing much. She thought she can escape by saying she didn't know. She also thought she can escape by saying she only know the old policy at her previous organization. She can't be a trainer there, an educator, and didn't educate herself with the latest changes in policy and practices. Isn't it unfair? Unfair to me, unfair to our other colleagues, and unfair to the people who are more capable and should be selected for the position instead of her.
She has no social intelligence at all. If I said I'm busy, she'll keep on asking me questions with a big smile on her face. Some senior trainers have briefed her about the proper ways to do this and that, she'll continue being her 'blur' self and has to be told about things again and again. As for her dressing sense, she needs to get on the What Not To Wear program if there is one here. A colleague noticed she's been wearing the same black with brown thin stripe pants for a few days. Just to be sure, I started observing her pants from Monday and true enough, she wears the same pants right up to Saturday. A colleague remarked even a male cat can give birth at her place. That's how messy she is.
Anyway, whatever it is, I will not be bothered if she do her job and let me do mine. But I kept being disturbed by her silly questions and requests. If she is a fresh grad and didn't come with 14 years industry experience, I don't think I would mind entertaining no matter how silly the questions and requests are. But you better learn fast. That is a required skill in a job, more important than your paper qualification.
Now, how do I make these unproductive stresses go away. As to the system, I'm considering operating it just like another production system. I wonder whether we have enough system resources to do that. As for JD, can I pretend she didn't exist? Whenever she asks silly questions, can I just pretend I didn't hear her and continue with my work? If she didn't listen to me when I said I'm busy and keep asking me to help her with things, maybe I too can choose not to listen to her. I'd probably give that a try next week and see how it goes.
So this weekend I'll stay at home to brush up on my trainer's material. I better come up with something just in case the system decided to play up on me again during the training.
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