End of 2011

I didn't really keep track of days and dates these past few days. I only bother about how many weeks pregnant I am. It feels as if the world stop for a while since I experienced heavy nausea and vomiting. I thought yesterday is 31st and wonder why didn't anyone in FB mentioned about new year. Today, I looked at the dates on my handphone. Owhh... it's today. The world didn't stop moving. Everyone goes on with their lives and things happen... unexpected things. My adorable 1++ yo nephew passed away. His funeral was yesterday. Everyone was shocked. Who would have thought a bubbly little boy playing energetically at MIL's place over the weekend would not be around the next day. I played with him a few days ago at SIL's place. Inna lillahi wainna ilaihi rajiuun... I hope SIL will be strong. I can't imagine how hard it must be for her and her family.

As for me, a day means something when I managed to hold some food down. My gynae gives me something to help prevent vomiting. I still throw up but managed to hold most of the food down. On the day I tried to go without the Dimenhydrinate, I throw up mercilessly. Yesterday, I ate some rice and cabbage cooked in coconut milk. A small victory when I didn't throw up. Then, I managed to hold down fish fillet burger. I throw up a bit in the evening but it is not the gut churning kinda throw up. I just didn't dare eat anything after that. Today, I managed to eat something too. I wanted to throw up just now but I lie down for a while to rest. It passed. I hope it will hold till much later. That is success for me these days.

I've been drinking coconut juice whenever I can to prevent from dehydration. I've heard many version of some who say those in first trimester can't drink coconut juice as it might cause miscarriage and another version that says it's good. I go with the latter. Logic tells me I need all the nutrients in the coconut juice just like when I get diarrhea. If people say pineapple is not good, my logic tells me it makes sense since it is acidic. But coconut juice not good... my logic doesn't seem to agree with that. Anyway, I hope everything will be OK for me this time.

Yesterday, I felt pain at my lower abdomen. When pressed, the abdomen felt very hard. Today no lower abdominal pain. I just thought my tummy looks larger. It could just be my feelings. It is going to grow larger anyway. I just thought a pregnant woman who looked pregnant got more sympathies than those who didn't look pregnant yet. I did feel a bit weird going for the seat allocated for pregnant ladies expecting someone to tell me off. Whatever it is, I just can't wait to feel much better, have more energy and have better appetite. So there goes the end of 2011 with ramblings about my pregnancy.

For the new year, I'm hoping for better me... I'm gonna be a mother... and good things for our big family. Hubby's worried there's no new projects now. I'm sure things will get better insyaAllah. Next year, companies would have new budget for new projects whether there's election or not. Rezeki comes from Him. I hope I'd be able to conduct some training to prepare for baby's arrival financially. I still have some pending payment to take us through for few more months. Ohhh.. and my Master's class will begin next weekend. Sigh! Can't wait to see my classmates... can't say the same for the potential workload though. OK... here's signing off for 2011.

Normal.... Not

This past 2-3 weeks has been really tough. Nausea and vomiting is the order of the day. Morning, noon, evening, night sickness. When I thought those has subsided, it returned with a vengeance. I can't seem to hold down anything that I managed to eat. Eating something is difficult enough... and then throwing it up again and again till there's nothing left... sigh! I can't seem to stomach rice much now. The only thing that I can eat this past few days is Yong Tau Foo Soup. Then, I can't bring myself to eat it anymore. Now, I'm at a lost of what to eat. Milk & yogurt is also out for now. The thing is, whatever I can stomach became the opposite when I throw up after eating them. I can't wait for my appetite to return to normal. I lost weight when I saw my gynae last week. Baby seems OK Alhamdulillah.

I truly didn't expect things to be this bad. And then friends started to share they experience the same thing up to 5-6 months. Really? I do hope I get better after the first trimester. What I do expect though, is a more caring hubby. Asking how I am ever so often, sympathize or pretend to sympathize with my condition, tapau food if I'm too weak to eat out, ask if there's anything I feel like eating despite not much appetite, make sure I eat before I get too hungry and nausea kicks in.... and things like that. What's not in the list are washing dishes and clothes, cooking, hang and fold laundry, clean house... but I truly appreciate when hubby did some of the household chores. I still managed to do the most urgent chores slowly. I have to choose my daily battle carefully.

Tonight I do feel like going out for a while. I've been cooped up at home when hubby's not around. I thought maybe I could try McD's small chicken porridge or KFC's whipped potato for dinner. But, I have to settle with some biscuits as dinner. Hope things get better tomorrow.

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8 Weeks

This is baby's latest photo, at 8 weeks. Alhamdulillah baby is still fine and doing well despite some bleeding last time. No more bleeding and I hope it stayed that way till delivery. I still have no appetite most of the time. On rare occasion, like last night, I felt like having kabsah lamb. So hubby took me at 'the' place for kabsah lamb which I enjoyed thoroughly.

However, upon reaching home I felt the now common nausea. I thought we're not suppose to feel nauseous when I'm full. I thought wrong. After awhile, it subsided allowing me to sleep. But not for long. At around 2 am, I woke up with a heartburn. Warm soy bean milk, warm water, some ointment, nothing works. I think I finally fell asleep after 4 am. I'm still feeling the heartburn now and it's late afternoon already. I also throw up badly just now. Sigh!!! I wonder how long will I have to go through this. Hopefully just the first trimester. I have training scheduled mid January.

Whatever it is, as long as baby is OK, everything is bearable. Take care little one. Be strong for ummi :)

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About Failure

What did I say about failure? It is difficult to remain positive after several failures. Thomas Edison can blow up 1001 bulb, Colonel Sanders can knock on 1000 doors, the Wright brothers can try so many times till they succeeded on building a plane that could fly... but it is not the same with getting pregnant. I got my second injection a few days ago. There is still some bleeding. Yesterday, quite a lot compared to all the others days before. Today, not so bad but there's a small blood clot. I've been sniffling and sneezing whole day today too so my mood is not so good. Hubby is not good at playing nurse. What is the status of the baby? Unknown. I'm in ACCEPTANCE mode. Whatever will be, will be. Probably with a little detachment, it won't be so painful and difficult in case of any untoward incidents.

The Eating Part

*tutup mulut*

*geleng kepala*

Tolong.... tak nak... tak nak...

I really have no appetite. Thinking of eating really makes me feel... no... please no.... Once I ate, I'd be OK. In fact, I sometimes continue feeling hungry after a meal. But to begin eating is the problem. It's like how difficult it is to start working out but once you do, it's OK.

I have no cravings for anything in particular but there are also times when everything shown in the cook show looks so appetizing. Even the food ad... Could be because those are out of reach.

Sigh! Thank God I can still stomach biscuit and bread even though I really have to force myself eat them for my health.

Thank God I'm not vomiting. Just nauseous and dizzy every now and then.

Bleep... bleep... bleep...

Bleep... bleep... bleep... I can't describe my feelings the moment I see the tiny heartbeat blinking on the screen. I know it's still very early. But we've succeeded the first stage i.e. seeing the heartbeat :) Please pray for us ok. It really has been difficult to determine the size and no. of weeks previously but now it's confirmed I'm at around 6 weeks.

You know, all those talk about positive thinking and law of attractions got me thinking. It's good to be positive and optimistic rather than the opposite. But, if you've met with several failures, it's hard to be positive. True, after so many failures could mean you're one step closer to success but you can't help but think this could be another failure. I've faced it in so many situations. Alhamdulillah despite not being very optimistic, I do have those moments of succees :)

I'm not gloating or anything about my state. After several failures, I'll not dare say anything till I've hold the little bundle of joy in my arms. For now, I'll take it one day at a time. I can still see the bleeping heart in my mind :) Keep beating little heart.

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Steady Supply of Vege

This gives us a steady supply of lady's fingers. I got bored cooped up inside earlier so I walked outside for a while, inspecting our farmville and harvesting the crop :) The photo is taken via my HTC in the afternoon sun. Couldn't get a sharp image and didn't adjust the white balance. Too hot to adjust the settings so just take it as it is. Soon we'll have more types of vegies like the long beans, angled beans & eggplants. It's nice being able to pluck something from the tree and cook them.

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The Fourth

I thought I'm not gonna write about the fourth till I'm sure everything is OK. But, since I'm trying to keep it to myself, hubby and the closest of family as much as I can, and those on a need to know basis only, I really need to write this down. There's no one else I can talk to about my fears and worry. Hubby has been seeing me with a worried face for a few days. We have been in this together. I can't worry him more than he already is.

First, the confirmation. I began to worry already. Hubby's not around for me to share the news. In the past I've broken the news when he wasn't around, I'd like to see his reaction. I'm happy to see he's happy but I'm also worried nevertheless. I don't have a good track record.

Second, the checkup. The doctor can't really confirm the exact no. of weeks but she was sure it's still very early. She prescribed Duphaston and Caspirin but since I'm allergic to aspirin, Caspirin was striked out. Only after a few days, I was spotting. Brown spots. Yesterday, red. I was tired. Really tired. It's Friday afternoon. The traffic was heavy. Hubby's not around. It took me an hour to reach the hospital. I wasn't really scheduled so I have to wait for about half an hour. It feels very long with the dizziness I was feeling and all the uncomfortable feeling physically as well as emotionally. This time, the doctor confirmed the size is 0.97mm, less than 1mm which means around 4 weeks. She gave me injections for the bleeding. Supposed to be able to stop the bleeding in 5 days and I need to get another 1 if bleeding continues.

The doctor advice me not to work if its possible. I have a meeting and training next week. I called my associate company, explained the situation and thank God they said they'll make the necessary arrangements. I'm in a very volatile situation. It wouldn't be fair if something happen at the last minute and inconvenience so many people. Might as well pull out now which gives me the time to rest as well.

Hubby wondered how I'm going to fare since there is already so many complications at the early stage. Truthfully, I don't know. I don't know what to expect, I don't know what to hope for. We have planned for two holiday trips soon. I don't know whether I'll be able to make it. What will happen if I do go and there's problem? Living in this uncertainty doesn't sit well with me. But there is nothing much I can do isn't it. Just go through it one day at a time, hoping for the best and preparing for any eventualities. I should be a pro at facing those eventualities by now.

The Perils of a Smartphone

Before there is smartphone, I happily carry my Cokia phone everywhere I go with a knowledge it will last me for a few days before I need to charge the battery.

Before there is smartphone, if I forget my charger, I can be assured someone will have the same kind of charger that I can borrow.

Before there is smartphone, I believe I have everything I need in a phone.

With smartphone, I worry about where I can charge the phone as I expect the phone battery to last less than a day.

With smartphone, people uses many diverse brands (iPhone, BB, Samsung, other mobile phones) that I may not be able to find someone who has a compatible charger that easily.

With smartphone, I need a powerbank to ensure I can remain connected on the go.

With smartphone, I must remember to carry the charger all the time, and the powerbank, and the powerbank charger.

With smartphone, I must ensure I have internet connection otherwise the phone is smart for nothing.

With smartphone, I now have to carry many things all the time to support the connectivity of the smartphone.

And lastly,

With smartphone, I can blog straight from the phone.

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The Art of Enjoying Your Holiday Travel

It's a very quiet Sunday. The sun was shining brightly this morning though it has turned to cloudy now. There is not much noise except for the whir of the fan and the typing on the keyboard right now. I'm in the midst of completing my assignment, but I'd like to take a short break blogging :) It has been a while since I wrote about general matters. Most of the time the entries I wrote were about my trips, family events and how stress I was with the assignments. Well, I think this entry is timely since the end of the year and school break is just around the corner where everyone will start thinking of planning for their holidays.

How easy or difficult is it to enjoy your holiday? I believe it is all about choices and we really, truly HAVE a choice. You have saved your annual leaves to go for a well deserved holiday (maybe even threat your boss to get the approval), you have saved up some money to spend for the holiday, you have your friends or family members joining you for a memorable holiday, do you want to end up NOT enjoying it? I believe not. You want an enjoyable holiday and you want to return inspired, have more zest and vigor to continue with your life, maybe even rekindle the romance with your spouse (like going on a second, third, or fourth, honeymoon). How then do you ensure you'll enjoy your travel and holiday? As I've mentioned earlier, you make a CHOICE and STICK with it.

- If the transportation is late, take it in stride. Cussing and swearing will not make your cab or plane come any earlier.

- If the room is lousy, calmly get the hotel to give you a better room. If that fails, get another hotel or the last resort, make do with what you have. At least you have some place to sleep. Write a true review of the accommodation to other travelers like in the Trip Advisor to let go of that unsatisfactory feeling. Then be done with it and enjoy your holiday.

- Have some bread, biscuit or chocolate to satisfy the hungry pang temporarily while waiting for your meal. Some food joints do take their own sweet time of preparing your food. Or maybe they are just not used to the big crowd at their place during holidays.

- If you are met with inconsiderate people anywhere during your travel, brush it off as one of your life's experience. Distant yourself from them, politely say you want to enjoy the sunset view for a while, smile and leave, change the subject, negotiate and be fair, etc. Do something about it, don't suffer in silence. Not good for your heart and not good for the holiday

- If you have kids and they are acting up, stay calm. Shouting over their voices will not accomplish anything. Make sure they are not coming down with something and the younger ones have taken their nap or are comfortable enough. Have some snacks or toys handy, or buy something to distract them, then stay calm and pray they'll keep quiet. I have seen how some parents have mastered the art of going away to somewhere calm and peaceful while their kids are crying or shouting at the top of their lungs. The people around them might feel uncomfortable with the kid's noise but the parents look oblivious and very serene in their own world. Go there. Master that art. You're going to need it. If it is not your kid who are acting up, and you don't even have your own, master that art too. If you have kids, maybe the same thing will happen too. So forgive the parents and put on that earphone.

- Take care of what you eat and have some charcoal tablets or antacid ready. You won't be enjoying your holiday on an upset tummy. Make sure you have plenty of drinking water too. We don't want you getting dehydrated.

- Take care of your important documents like passport, and wallet. You certainly won't enjoy your holiday if these goes missing. Also take care of your camera and mobile phones.

In short, think of all the investment you've made for the holiday and make a choice.

- Enjoy your surrounding.
- Watch people, culture and nature.
- Take a deep breathe and do some breathing exercise.
- Bring a book or magazine to read.
- Play that game on your smartphone or tablet but not too engrossed with it that you might as well not go for the holiday.
- Take photographs... the cheapest souvenir of any travel.
- Talk to people, you'll never know what you might learn from them. But, be vigilant and be careful.
- Be thankful.

So, have a wonderful time planning for your holiday and good luck in making sure you enjoy it. Choose to be nice and choose to be happy :) Don't be grumpy and spoil the fun with your family or friends. Hakuna matata...

New Grass

We finally put in the Philippine grass. We were undecided at the beginning because we're still slowly putting in plants for our garden. But, the grass really grows fast. Hubby has to mow the lawn every other week, carting the machine here and MLK house and MIL's place. He brought the smaller Bosch machine here but it broke down after using it like twice. So last Wed the Bangla or Pakistani worker who were involved in our house renovation came to see him and take measurements of our lawn. Started work the next day and completed it yesterday.

Before

After

It looks very green and clean, I feel like rolling on the carpet :) I have high respect for the Bangladeshi or Pakistani workers. Now, they work on their own. They went for Friday prayer yesterday. They can't last time when working for Chinese contractors. They work and learn and find better opportunities. How many of us dare to do that? I've heard many complaints from workers when I conducted my trainings, who are not satisfied with their job and yet they have been there for ages. If you dare to change, good for you.

Having said that, now I'm looking at my old Impiana Laman magazines to get some ideas. We're slowly and steadily on our way for a beautiful garden :)

The November Story

11.11.11 :)

Everybody has been busy doing something to mark this special date. I received an email early this morning from my lecturer asking for our assignments. Uhuh... the good news, I'm not the only one who submitted late. The bad news, he gave final deadline at 3 pm today. Still that has not managed to spur me into action ASAP. There were so many distractions today. I could be more disciplined though. I managed to submit the assignment at 3:11pm. My lecturer has acknowledge receipt while I'm writing this. Now the immediate pressure's off, I'd like to blog about some important events this month.

06.11.11

One of my classmates went to perform her Hajj this year. I envy her. I hope the time for me will arrive soon. Aidil Adha here is far more quiet than Aidil Fitri. This year is quite different though since we performed 'Korban' at MIL's place. Family gathering is most often not relaxing with all the cooking and washing and kids running... but they were fun nonetheless. Especially spending the time with family members and the eating part :)

05.11.11

We begin the morning hunting for breakfast. The normal breakfast place was not open. Duh! It's the day before Aidil Adha.... most people would be on their way back to hometown or preparing for the big day. Lucky for us, we found a decent place for many hungry tummies. Then the boys went for a swim. Sis and I watched them play. We went to MIL's place next and spend the days catching up with family members.

04.11.11

We woke up early to start our journey to KTN. Hubby has to send his tender documents. We went out slightly before 6:30 a.m to beat the morning traffic. The timing was just nice. We had about an hour before submission deadline giving us enough time to make a copy and sealing the documents in envelopes. Then we make our way to MLK, continuing the drive for another 3 hours or so. It was so tiring. We stopped for lunch along the way but hubby's hungry by the time we reached MLK's place. I could eat something too. We went out again to buy late birthday present for hubby and have dinner together. I fell asleep almost immediately after my head touches the pillow despite the sneezes. I woke up later, about 1 a.m to continue sneezing till about 4 a.m. before I managed to fall asleep again. Sigh!

03.11.11


We went out quite early looking for a place to have breakfast before exploring Cameron Highland. Thank God the one and only Muslim nearby stall opens when I thought we have to go to Brinchang town just to look for breakfast. After that we headed to Gunung Brinchang, following the road signs till we saw the road closure info. Duh! They should have put it at the beginning of the route. Nonetheless, the view of hills and valleys of Palas Boh Tea plantantion were amazing. I can't stop staring. Simply a beautiful sight. Kinda make you wanna sing The Sound of Music in between the tea trees :)


We then continued shopping for few more things before heading home. Hubby's tender deadline submission looming. We bought some corn, some sweet potatoes, strawberry jam, and hubby has his sight on a grape tree. After haggling, we bought one. We returned to our room, packed, can't wait to leave the hotel. We stopped to buy petai along the way, quick stop for honey at Ringlet and fresh bamboo shoots from the orang asli hut. I have never cook, taste, even see fresh bamboo shoots in the market before. Will get dear MIL to help cook the bamboo shoots.

On the way down, there's a lorry in front of us dangerously tilting to the right every time there's a sharp turn. At one point, the left back tire was almost lifted off the ground. The driver ushered us to overtake him when the road is clear but hubby's not doing so worrying at the lorry's cargo whatever those were under the covers. The driver finally stopped when there is enough space by the roadside for him to do so. Hubby sped off. Then it started raining and it gets really heavy when we almost reached Tapah. I will almost definitely get motion sickness on route like that. For some reason, I didn't this time. Must be due to my stuffed nose and sneezes, jamming the ear balance somewhat. Whatever that is, I'm very grateful.

We stopped for lunch and more fruits at the Tapah R&R. Then continue our journey, reaching home sweet home at almost 3 p.m. Poor hubby has to continue with his tender documents till about 1 a.m. before going to sleep and waking up at 4 a.m. to complete it.

02.11.11

I started packing and cleaning the kitchen before beginning our journey. We planned this trip weeks ago to celebrate the end of my hectic schedule and hubby's birthday. Hubby wasn't busy earlier but later he has tender submission to rush for but adamant to continue with the trip anyway. We still has not decided to go via the Simpang Pulai route or Tapah. At Ladang Bikam, I took the wheel and thank God for that as I've been going below 120 and there's a police road block near Tapah. Earlier hubby often reached 140km/hr. Since I was on the wheel, I decided to try Tapah route. I can control my motion sickness when I'm the driver. We reached the hotel at about lunch time and were told they'd be ready in another hour so we decided to go out for lunch. We couldn't find a decent stall nearby that we have to settle for burgers.

When we opened the room door, this is Equatorial? Really? Berjaya... really??? Renovation work still going on outside. The next room is undergoing furbishing with the drilling and what not. Our room is the unfurbished one, with cold room floors and unappetizing looking toilet and hard as plank bed. Seriously, the hardest bed I've been on. Floors are hard. But this is hotel bed mind you. Hubby said maybe the hard bed can help him prepare his tender documents better. After a short rest and charging hubby's handphone, we went out for a walk. I bought t-shirts and souvenirs and strawberries and ogle at all the goodies planning on what to purchase tomorrow :) Ohh... and I bought bedroom slippers as I really can't walk on that cold floors. After the working hours we heard the renovation workers radio playing some dangdut song and strumming of guitars till very late. They must have stayed at one of the rooms.

We had a great steamboat dinner that night. My treat for hubby's birthday eve. Hubby's sulking though... because jealousy rears its ugly head. Sigh! Later he said something that really makes me smile. "I love 100% of you". Sniffles and sneezes included? I asked. He said he has accepted that a long time ago :) Love you too dear hubby. That's one of the sweetest thing you can ever say to me.

01.11.11

Yesterday, we went to KTN and back. Today, we went to Pandan Indah, Taman Melati, my school and Kelana Jaya before heading home. Phewww... I received the payment today. By about 10 am, I paid all the debts and still owe myself some. Sigh! Anyway, alhamdulillah for the rezeki which I would be worse off without.

Business Registration Renewal

Phewww.... I spent hours making sense of SSM and www.gov.my website. All I'm trying to do was renew my business registration online. I thought it expires yesterday. After like 2 hours and purchasing my own business info, I discovered that my business registration will only expire next year. Sigh! That's what you got when your filing system's in a mess!!!

However, I'm relieved I didn't have to go to the SSM office to find out my business registration only expires next year. Thank God! Just imagine braving through the traffic to KL Sentral, pay exorbitant parking fee only to discover I was making a wasteful trip. I'm glad I don't have to go through that. I don't even mind paying $5 for SSM Subscriber Registration fee and $30 as prepaid for the SSM Search. Still worth it than the wasteful trip and $35 price of a lesson to get my filing done properly.

I moved house months ago and it has been hectic and unpacking some of the documents are going at a slower rate than the snail speed. I finally have some time to breathe today. I planned to have a well deserved rest, go for my long postponed massage session some time this weekend... till I'll be scrambling to complete my assignments again. Soon... coz the assignments deadline just around the corner, but not this weekend :D

Oh and my library books has to be returned too. Has maxed the capacity for online renewal. Sigh! I think I'll just wait for a few days and pay few RM (less than $5) for a restful weekend and peace of mind. Don't want to think of any commitment this weekend. Lots and lots and lots of rest and cleaning house and watching TV and rest again :)

Sweet Nothings :)

It has been a while since I have to go outstation for my training. Most of my training this year have been in KL area except twice in the beginning of the year. Hubby and I can't handle long distance relationship that well. I used to prefer outstation training because most of the time the training will be conducted in the same hotel which means I don't have to go through the morning traffic. Nowadays, I prefer local training... don't mind the morning traffic. I'll be missing hubby too much and nobody is paying for the travelling days :) When you're working for yourself, you'll start to be more calculative of your cash in and out.

Anyway, as I was about to board the plane earlier today, I was all smiles chatting with hubby on YM. This entry is an episode in my life that I want to document and remember. Some of our sweet moments :) Many sweet moments has been undocumented due to the time limitation. Here I am all alone in my hotel room trying to complete some work for other training and preparing for tomorrow but... a few minutes blogging won't hurt.

Me: Dah nak boarding
Me: Luv u abg
Hb: luv u 2.
Hb: already miss u
Me: Dah nak naik ni
Me: I miss u more :)
Hb: Ok... take care.
Hb: I miss u most.
Hb: :)
Me: I miss u mostest hahaha...
Hb: ade ke
Me: Hehehe...
Me: Bye
Hb: bye syg

Can't wait to return home....

Cooking Goddess

Hubby missed my asam pedas today :)

There is nothing more satisfying than when people eat the food I cook. The bonus is when you're complimented on the food. I'm not a fussy eater. I'm not a great cook either. What do you expect? I have been cooking only for myself when I was single and for two after I got married. Due to practical reasons, eating out sometimes makes more sense. I CAN cook and the food is edible MOST of the time. I dare called people for kenduri and cook on a big scale too. At our open house recently, some of my guest asked what's my specialty. I told them no specialty since I only cook on a big scale once or twice a year. How can it be my specialty if I don't practice enough?

Since we moved house, I've cook more often as the market is nearby and there doesn't seem to be many eateries that suits our tastebuds. I'm determined to keep cooking till I can call some of the dishes my specialty. I've had my good days and not so good days. Let's see what's the casualties on my not so good days...

- burnt chocolate cake... hey, the oven was new.
- burnt bun... the bottom part was edible... and I left the oven according to the recipe instruction to perform my prayer. Sigh!
- salty dishes... i have my 'saltless' moments and 'saltfull' moments. Sigh! The former situation is much better than the latter.
- undercooked chicken or fish... thank God for microwave ovens
- experimental recipes... hubby can be non-adventurous when it comes to 'creative' dishes
- kole kacang... it didn't set due to lack of flour. Not just any flour... so I keep it in the fridge and I still has not bought the flour.
- hmmm.... I'm sure there's a few more that I can't recall

I'm not listing down the dishes that turned out well. Trust me, it's enough to make me keep cooking and not throw down the apron yet. Some issue that really matters to me when it comes to cooking ...

- when rice turned out well and not 'mentah' during important occasions... no matter how good your dishes are, it will come to nought with spoiled rice. This is one of those things that people take for granted. Nobody would notice when the rice are fine but they certainly would when it didn't turn out well.
- meals prepared means we don't have to eat out and pay for food that did't meet our expectation.
- when food is budgeted with not much waste.
- creativity and flexibility in the kitchen, and
- either compliments from hubby or he took extra servings.

I'm still not the cooking goddess I want to be... but I'm working towards that. I'm praying for more successful dishes and the determination to keep on cooking. Gungho!

Missed Blogging

MODE ON: Doing my master's class homework.
REALITY: Construction noise from next door. Arrgghhh... the drilling really gets on my nerve.
SOLUTION: De-stress with blogging :)

I missed blogging tremendously. Few nights ago I couldn't sleep since I've taken a long nap in the afternoon. So I read some of my old entries. I blogged more when I was single. Of course I have less responsibilities then, and now I lived more offline than online. Events passes by without much time to blog about it despite the blogging app on my Android. I read about me complaining about the never ending work. Now, I'm still whinning about it mostly due to my master's class. Sigh! Can't wait to finish my course. And yet, I still have not find a topic for my thesis and also a supervisor. Of course, worse comes to worst, I have a lecturer who has offered to be my supervisor provided my topic is similar to his thesis paper. Hmmm... I've tried doing a proposal in one of the assignment he gave us, I almost vomit blood. So not my forte.

Anyway, I didn't intend to whine about my class. I just felt rejuvenated and refreshed after reading some of my earlier entries. It reminds me of what I'm passionate about and what are my dreams. I'm just postponing those dreams for a while till I finished my thesis. I also read about events I have totally forgotten about and people I supposedly have issues with that I don't even remember now. Try as I might thinking whom I was referring to since I don't give real names.... just description, I can't. Shows how some things won't matter after few weeks or few years. It's good to have those events written down anyway since it'll give some lessons to me many years after it has passed. I'll forget many events after I got married due to my sparse blogging sessions. But I'll take comfort in the fact that I experienced those moments and will always be creating new ones :)

The drilling sound still bothers me but I just have to continue doing my assignment. I have a briefing session for the next two days so I'll be tied up with that. Just be GUNGHO about it and block out the noise (wishing I can)...

The Dreaded Week

I can officially say the dreaded event this week is over. True to what's been said... it doesn't matter anymore now and will be forgotten in time. Whatever brouhaha I was feeling, it's gone. All that matter is the love from my loved ones.... my dear hubby, my dear sis, my lovely boys and family members.

Why oh why does the issue seemed to loom large before? When I was going through it, everything in my mind seemed logical, whatever was said or done seemed logical. Now, I realize how stupid it was... how stupid I was. My only excuse is probably I need to go through the process to see the real picture. But in the process, I have hurt the people around me. It is easy to apologize... which I truly sincerely do because I realize I was wrong. I believe its not as easy to heal the wound. The only good thing coming out from this event is I love them even more for putting up with my emotional outburst.

I love you all... please accept my sincerest apologies.

What's great about today?

10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react.

We spend wonderful relaxing night last night... at least for me. Don't know what hubby was thinking going from rack to rack looking for baju raya :) We spend wonderful day the first half of today too. What's important is we have those time and spend it together. No one can take that away from us. The precious time spent together... I would only hope for times like what we had when I'm busy. So the times spent together would beat any unimportant events. No bouquet of flower or gifts can beat that. Alhamdulillah...

Tonight is relaxing night for me again and I'm going to appreciate it.

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Outcast II

I hope today will end differently. Who am I kidding? I'll just pretend the second half of today never happen. God give me strength. You ARE the bigger picture of my existence.

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Outcast

It hurts when you are deemed an outcast because of who or what you represent instead of who you really are. Normally I couldn't be bothered about others opinion. This time it really hurts because hubby has to concede to those opinion. This will be a difficult week for me. Everytime I remembers about it, I have to take a deeeeeppp.... breath.

I hope I'll be given the strength to pass this test. Like everything that has happened to me, only Allah knows the wisdom behind every fate and destiny. Only He knows why I have to go through this. Those people, even hubby, are only fulfilling His will of giving me this lesson in life.

Do not cry coz my head will hurt later. Do not be sad because those people will be enjoying themselves and do not bother about my feelings anyway. Easier said then done but I have to for my sake. I have to keep reminding myself of the bigger picture of life instead of this tiny scar that might be forgotten few years down the road.

Hopefully this week will pass quickly. Hopefully I'll be fine. Hope is the only thing I have. Laa tahzan...

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Bright Morning

It's a bright Saturday morning. It has been like this for a few days. Come afternoon, it started to get cloudy and yesterday it rained heavily. The air feels cleaner today. I'm breathing deeply and feeling thankful for the nice fresh air. Love it...

I'm actually in a good mood since my classmate called yesterday. She's dropping a subject. Another classmate SMSed and she's doing the same. Yeah... I'm glad I have an option. Means I can drop the subject too and take it next semester with them. I thought I'd be worse off this sem with the commitment required on the subject as well as my trainings. We have a lecturer who has just completed his PhD and so excited to teach a class he forgot we are part time students and can't give the commitment required for all the coursework. Can you imagine a coursework that gives you 4 marks and we have 4 of those. We also have 2 big assignments of 20 pages each, worth 20 marks each and a final exam of 40%. He also expected drafts twice for each big assignments. Another 4% is for a presentation. Sigh! I hyperventilated in class last weekend as he was explaining about our coursework.

I had a meeting last Friday with my training associate company. We're expecting a project that would take us to East Malaysia and it would be a series of 5-days training. I can't imagine 5 days away from home, returning to slave for my Master's class. Now, I can breathe a bit. If the department let us drop the subject, it means we'll have afternoon class after this. Whatever it is, we'll find out tomorrow. For now, I have to make some preparation for tomorrow's class while enjoying the bright sunshine. Oh... I need to prepare something for the training too. We have a bunch of trainers for this so I'm only helping out with some of the assessment questions. Have a great weekend everyone:)

Belated Birthday Note

I've been busy with trainings and deadlines but I make sure I don't have any on my birthday. The plan is to have a memorable day and that certainly happened, and then some.

The night before my birthday, we went out for dinner and a movie. The first movie since we moved house. The movie of choice was 'Monte Carlo'. We purposely not choose Harry Porter or Transformers. I wanted to have something light and entertaining. It certainly didn't disappoint though I have to censor some scene by closing hubby's eyes a few times ;) That was a relaxing outing except for the glitches with GSC online system and that's another story.

And then we reached home, hubby totally forgot the match between Chelsea and Malaysia was that night. We reached home, hubby switched on our trusted TV set and pooff... nothing. Hubby's TV set stopped working few months before we moved house. Instead of buying new one, we took my tv set out from our guest bedroom to the living room. We don't want to deal with the hassle of transporting fragile TV when moving. Many things either broke or stopped working when we unpacked. The TV set from our guest bedroom was from the time before I got married. It finally reached the last of its service duration the night before my birthday.

So, the mission on my birthday is to find a new TV. It has overshadowed looking for my birthday gift. Something that I don't want to hear on my birthday made me shout in the jewellery shop... on the phone. The stupid lawyer's office has delayed yet again the final part of the S&P deal. Stupid lawyers!!! That got me feeling uptight for a few days and that's another story again.

After going to few shops, returned home for lunch and Friday prayers, we went to make the purchase. So we got a TV on my birthday. After that I got busy for my final exam and another 5 days training. We went out for dinner and I need to buy something for final training day when we found my birthday gift. Hubby's in a hurry for another football match. This time he do not want to missed it. I bought a watch for myself after my final exam and I also got myself a new purse. Both in real need of replacement which I have been postponing of getting till my birthday.

So that were some of the events that took place during my birthday. Rushed and tried to make the best of the time we had. I really appreciate our date night and the moments hubby spent picking out my birthday gift. TQ abang.

Life's Little Pleasures...

What gives you a great pleasure after a tiring day? I decided to list down in no particular order, most of them and be thankful with life's little pleasures.

1. a hot shower and splash of talcum powder at the end of the day
2. hot tea
3. foot massage on my osim
4. foot massage by hubby
5. cuddling in front of tv
6. sitting out at night with hubby, listening to the sound of the night
7. the moment we have some meals ready... don't have to think about eating out or what to eat...
8. lying in bed
9. sleeping
10. the knowledge that tomorrow will be spent at home, without any pressing deadlines...

Today, I have 1, 2, 3, 7, 10 and soon... 8 and 9. That's a lot of pleasure :)

Penat Belajar

Penatnyer rasa bila tak habis2 belajar. Lepas satu-satu assignment, presentation, final exam then kelas semula and the cycle starts all over again. Cuti-cuti macam ni ni pun tak dapat nak jalan-jalan, shopping, kemas rumah. Arrgghhhh...... Hubby said he's not as busy like me when he did his Masters. MIL also said he's not as busy studying. Orang lain macamana yer? I'm at the verge of screaming or vomitting blood at the moment. My classmate has kids and her husband is suggesting she quit because she looked so stress. She didn't need the added stress on top of work and family. I don't have kids and even I feel like quitting.

Sigh! I need to take a break. It has to be a very, very short break because due date for our research proposal is tomorrow.

Documenting Life

I can't remember the exact date we decided to move house but it was definitely short notice.

22 June : Slept at 4 a.m. packing.

23 June : move house with two 3-tonne lorries & another lorry to MLK. Slept at 2 a.m. Dear hubby pengsan by midnight on both days.

24 June : unpacking what's necessary. MIL, FIL & beloved family arrived to give a helping hand. Appreciate it v.much. Don't think can handle without MIL's & dear sis helping out.

25 June : Kenduri. Family only.

26 June : It so happened I don't have class today but supposed to send assignment. Only manage to send next day.

30 June : 2-days training.

2 July : Alumni dinner. Supposed to prepare for tomorrow's presentation in class.

3 July : Go to clinic on the way to class. Asthma worsen. Ran out of inhaler. Instructed to take Budesonide and Ventolin.

Class. Presentation. Thank God received 18/20 and 18.5/20 marks for the presentation.

4 July : 4.5 days training. I wasn't feeling very well since we moved house. I need 4-5 doses of ventolin every day. I'm also coughing. I have the medicine but can't take it during the day as it will cause dizziness. A friend gave me Seretide. Felt better after use. Not required to use Ventolin every few hours & not wheezing anymore.

After training today, rushed to library to return books. Last time something wrong with their system, I can't renew online. Now the fine I have to pay is around $30. Brought my books on trolley, system down. Arrgghhh.... use book chute. Will have to go to library again next week.

Terminate phone line & streamyx. No time to do before.

Now, I'm having a short rest before start working on research proposal to be submitted on Monday, course outline for new training by Tuesday & training material for end of month 4.5 days training by next week..

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Busy Again

I returned from holiday to a pack schedule. Our house is at its final renovation stage. The electrician needs info, the cabinet and wardrobe man needs info, the final touch up has to be monitored... all that requires time. The ever elusive element in our life at the moment. On top of that, the uncompleted research proposal is forever taunting me. Last night I fell asleep on the sofa... so tired.

Today I plan to have a quiet time at home completing my assignment. Before I get down to business, I mopped the floor and did some laundry. I can't work in a messy house. Its not perfect now but so much better than before cleaning. And one final thing to do before focusing on assignment, upload some pics from our holiday :) I wish I'm still there swimming with the fishes.

A school of fish forming a long wall under Salang jetty.
Hundreds of fishes.
With our dive master.
Underwater magnificient view.
Sunset.

Wonderful Relaxing Day

Except for extra long ferry journey early this morning, the rest has been a nice, relaxing day :) Hope for more action & adventure tomorrow.

Dear lung, please be kind to me. No wheezing and heavy chest feeling like these past few days ok.

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On The Mirror

Dearest hubby did this quite some time ago. Imagine how I feel once I reached home and saw this taped to the mirror on our dressing table. Huge, huge, huge grin :D Such a sweet gesture and is worth all the flowers in the world...

Hubby and I don't have love letters. We YMed. Hubby is not the guy who buy cards with sweet wordings. We hugged and cuddled and talked. Hubby is not the guy who'll write poems or poetry though he said he has the talent a long time ago. Thus the reason why I really appreciate his thoughtful sweet gestures such as this one :) TQ abang for the sweet memory.

Just Take A Deep Breath...

"just take a deep breath and everything will fall into the right place"

TQ kak for these comforting words that I really need this semester. Things have been hectic... Yeah right! What else is new.... And why on earth am I blogging if things are too hectic? I seriously just need a break after a 2-days 2-nights training session. This morning I'm in a very relaxed mood choosing paint colours for my house and buying few things from the hardware store. If I started thinking about all the things I have to do, I might unnecessarily stressed myself out.

I've just received 39 articles that might help with my research proposal. TQ to my dear classmate who has been very helpful. On top of the articles, I have 10 handbooks and textbooks as reference too. I have to complete my research proposal this weekend if I want to enjoy my holiday next week, I'll be away from Tue-Sat. Why holiday now? I'm in a "Just Do It!" mode or else I'll never ever get to go away for a holiday. It has been planned for quite some time already, before the madness begins.

And to ease the stress, my lecturer email everyone and asked are we stressed out and offered alternatives to lessen our load. TQ so much for the consideration Dr. I found out one of my classmate is considering to withdraw this semester. That triggered the email which is a blessing to everyone.

These little gestures keep my spirit up in an otherwise chaotic and stressful situation.

I'm reminded to one remark made by a lady who received her graduation scroll in the news some time back. I can't remember whether that is for her Masters of Doctorate degree. She said something like this is for her and her effort, not for her unsupportive husband and children. I was taken aback with such remark being made publicly. But now I kinda understand her situation. The degree must be her dream... and I can't imagine how she must have felt when she gets demand for family's attention while also being busy with her studies. It must be frustrating especially if you read or heard others who gave appreciation to family members in support of their studies. It must be very sad for her but she has made it with a scroll in her hands.

Some might say what's the price of a scroll as compared to the love of your family. Sometimes we have to think for ourselves. Children will leave us one day and have their own family. In some cases, there are children who left their parents altogether, without any visit or a single news. Husband can also leave you. So why not pursue her dream?

I've said this many times and I'll say it again. It is easy to say we'll be supportive of our loved one's dreams, but the effort it take is tremendous. When you wake up in the morning and decided to be in a bad mood; when you demand something that will take up time; when you cause unnecessary worry... do you really mean you're supportive of your loved one's dreams?

Of course, your loved ones would want you to see things from their perspectives as well. No free time for holiday, no elaborate home cook meal, no cuddling and TLC all the time, no bonding time, etc. So whose perspective is right? Who should concede to whom? That depends on who is willing to make the sacrifice. That's why success is sweeter after all the sacrifice.

Lost and Overwhelmed

I've been having this headache since Friday and it worries me. Last two weeks I have flu out of the blue and I noticed it finally stopped on Friday. No more blowing and stuffed nose. But then I noticed the headache and the painful sinus bones. It subsides a little sometimes but at times it came back with a vengence, like now. While battling my headache, I have to submit my assignment. Thank God only have to submit draft because I'm feeling totally lost and overwhelmed with the subject. I just submitted an incomplete copy. However, time is not on my side. I have training this week and another draft submission. Then away on holiday and final assignment submission. I have to complete them no matter what and this subject is killing me.

29/5 - Essay draft submission
1-2/6 - Training
05/6 - Research proposal draft submission
8-11/6 - Holiday
12/6 - Essay submission
14-16/6 - Training
18/6 - Research proposal submission
26/6 - Presentation
03/7 - Presentation
4-8/7 - Training
10/7 - Final exam
17/7 - Final exam

Help me Allah!

Today's Status

4 hours ago...
Painful sinus bones, plus headache.

3 hours ago...
Life on the road today... MRR2 - KESAS - Shah Alam - Puchong - SKVE - Seri Kembangan - MRR2 - Kinrara - Puchong - KESAS - MRR2

2 hours ago...
So hungry has not eaten a proper lunch.

1 hour ago...
Feeling sad for an unknown reason.

The stall in front of my condo is not there today. Argghhh...

Alhamdulillah... nasi kukus for lunch + dinner

Few minutes ago...
Feeling better... but tired.

Few seconds ago...
Jealous.

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Bite What You Can Chew

Today, class finished early. I went to the library to pick up a reserved book, only to discover I actually needed a different volume. Sigh! But thank God the library is open during this short semester break. It was a really, really thick handbook. Have to go to the library one of these days and return all the books I don't need. I've borrowed 20 already. I will certainly need a trolley to cart them to the library. I woke up at 4 a.m. this morning to complete my assignment. I've made attempts to complete them earlier but it seems the last minute pressure managed to force me to think fast for the answers. It wasn't perfect but it was better than nothing.

Yesterday was spent worrying and preparing for my training tomorrow. I should still be worried about my training preparation but too tired to think about it now. I've just taken a nap and is feeling much better. I'll prepare all the materials tonight as tomorrow I have to be off to Shah Alam early. This is a huge note to myself... next time do not take the training job if it is not really my forte no matter how people convinced me otherwise. The pressure is too much to bear especially when I have pressure from my Master's class as well. I'll have to face this pressure for 4.5 days. Even a normal training of 2 or 3 days would be tiring enough already. Remember this: Not your forte, don't do it.

It is really challenging and I'm so looking forward for end of training. Thank God we don't have classes for the next 2 weekend but I have first draft extended essay submission next weekend and research proposal draft the weekend after. I have to find time to do my extended essay during this week and I'll definitely be slaving on the essay on Saturday for Sunday submission. I also have a 2-days training the week after but since it is my area, I can relax a bit. On top of all this, I'm also worried about our house renovation. Hmmm..... worrying will not accomplish anything right! So, relaaaxxxx.... and do my best. I will really appreciate the free time once all this is over.

Syukur

Dah 2-3 hari entri ni tersimpan dan tak sempat disiapkan. Today, hopefully it will finally gets published.

Baru saja menonton petikan ceramah Dr Asri di YouTube. Laa Tahzan, innallaha ma'ana.... jadilah insan yang bersyukur dengan apa yang kita ada. Bukan tidak boleh mengharapkan apa yang kita tiada... tetapi janganlah lupa bersyukur dengan nikmat yang kita ada. Jangan bila dah tiada kaki, baru terasa nikmat dapat berpijak di atas bumi. Fikirlah dari saat kita lahir, hingga sekarang ini, betapa banyak nikmat yang perlu kita syukuri. Ada cendikiawan yang berkata, tingkat mereka yang bersyukur lebih tinggi dari orang yang bersabar. Kerana ramai orang perlu bersabar dengan sesuatu keadaan yang susah, dan mereka tiada pilihan melainkan bersabar. Tetapi tidak ramai yang bersyukur dengan kesenangan yang mereka kecapi.

People often say motivation doesn't last. Well, so does bathing. That's why we do it daily. -ZigZaglar-

Samalah juga dengan iman. Perlu sentiasa disuburkan dengan tazkirah, ceramah dan peringatan2. Harap2 I will always be among His humble servant who frequently say 'Alhamdulillah'. Memang banyak perkara yang perlu disyukuri dalam hidup ini. Banyak juga petunjuk kebesaranNya yang menjadikan sesuatu mengikut kehendakNya. Namun, ada juga perkara yang kuharapkan... seperti seorang cahaya mata... untuk menghiasi keluarga kami, yang masih belum diizinkanNya.

Isnin lepas, berjumpa my gynae for follow up session and she recommended Chlomid. I was kinda excited with the possibility. It was all very clinical, time measured, technical steps to ensure baby is conceived. But then, I'll be conducting a whole week training next week and can't go to the clinic for an injection. My gynae said I could still do without the injection but the timing must be right, which could pose a problem considering the timing of my ovulation time. Anyhow, I'd give it a go. We'll settle issues the best way we can. After taking the tablets at night, I have a mild allergic reaction the next afternoon. I tried again the second time... my eyes swell again. I read up about Chlomid and allergic reaction, and the general consensus was to stop immediately if any allergic reaction occur. Normally my allergic reaction would be really bad. I'd consider this reaction very mild. But prolonged doses could increase the risk. Should I stop or continue? Then hubby break the news he has to 'balik sana' early next week. I was devastated. I mean... of all the time, this could be our only chance.

I stopped myself before I get very emotional. It is all in His will. Kun fa yakun... The youtube video watched earlier calmed me down too. Astaghfirullahalazim.. I've had so many blessings and experienced many things that shows His power. 'La ilaha illa anta, subhanaka, inni kuntu minaz-zalimin'. Jika kita rasa kekurangan sesuatu, perhatikanlah apakah pula kelebihan yang kita ada. Jika kita rasa kita tidak dapat apa yang kita inginkan, perhatikanlah apa yang kita dah diberikan. I'm blessed with the love from people around me, I've spent many tender loving moments with hubby, and I've a job that some people envy. Alhamdulillah... I'll still be praying for a baby, but I'll not let this setback upset me too much. Dia lebih tahu apa yang terbaik untuk hambaNya.

I remember once I blogged about how difficult it is to sit down at home and have lunch together with hubby when I was working full time. Now, we have many of that moments together either with tapau or home cooked meals. Last time, we waited for public holiday that falls on weekdays to spend time together doing things that people normally do on holidays. Nowadays, we have many free time when I have no training and hubby's not busy. I appreciate our movie nights, jalan2 and cuddling moments that we share. I've make some lifestyle changes to enjoy what matters to me most and I'll keep counting my blessings throughout my life insyaAllah.

Throbbing Headache

I'm having a throbbing headache from blowing my nose all day. I've had worse due to crying which also make me cry, nonetheless, this one is unbearable too. Sigh!

No painkillers or panadol since I'm allergic to it. So, suffer I will while preparing my training material & assignment till I fell asleep. Double sigh!!

Missing hubby a lot today...

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Saturday Random Thoughts

Perasan tak lately blog ni banyak terisi bila ada banyak 'kerja sekolah'? Bila ada assignment ker, presentation ker, adalah orang yang meluahkan isi hati di sini :) Nak buat camana... this is one of my stress relieving technique hehehe....

The weather today is dark and gloomy due to the haze. Or maybe it really is cloudy and going to rain anytime soon. It doesn't look very different. I have always declared that I don't like this kind of weather. I do not perform or function well. It didn't help that I woke up with a sore throat and stuffed nose. I don't have flu yesterday. I did feel one nostril blocked every now and then and felt weird because I don't have runny nose. Today, both are blocked and blowing didn't help much.

I have a new pair of sports shoe courtesy of my sis who make the request and hubby for paying hehehe... I really wanted to wear it but the weather for the past few days is not good for outdoor activities. I'm not making excuses not to exercise tau abang :)

Early this morning, I received a message in my FB from someone claiming attracted to my smile and would like to know me better. Duh! My FB profile pic is a photo of me and hubby so no stupid person looking for a random relationship would want to go through the hassle on a person already with a partner right? So, is it to get me to deliver drugs or borrow money? I forward it to hubby immediately and he asked me to ignore it, which is my exact intention.

I'm actually in the midst of doing my work and not assignment this morning. I have to send the training material for printing next week for training scheduled the week after. Last time, preparing my training material is really daunting and time consuming. Now, it still is but to a lesser degree than my assignments as it didn't require research evidence. As to my thesis, still work in progress if you consider casual thinking as work :) Tomorrow, I have to give a presentation in class on topics that might appear in our final exam. It is 75% done.

OK... enough of random thoughts. Better get back to work if I want to enjoy my Wesak holiday. I thought hubby will stay till the holiday ends but he'll be back since he has a meeting on Monday so I want to truly spend quality time with him. Even though sometimes both of us worked at home but the spirit is different on holiday. He didn't have to sit in front of his laptop and not feel guilty about it :)

Library

Were you ever excited about the thought of going or spending time at the library? My national library card has expired and it was used only once when I accompany my brother a long time ago. I was very shy of library during my matriculation and undergraduate days. Even now while doing my Masters, I prefer ebooks and online journals. Google books can be very helpful too in providing preview on some book chapters.

Despite my aversion to library, I can remember few instances where I love library so much. The first time when I was in Standard Two. That was the first time my father brought me to state library. That was the first time I discover I can read any books to my hearts content. I was reading voraciously. I selected several books to be borrowed and spend the rest of the time reading as much as I can. I'm a fast reader. All that thin primary level story books, read in a flash. Sometimes I finished reading all the four books borrowed on the same day once I reached home. I was insatiable. Then I started borrowing thicker books way beyond Standard Two level. This was during end year term break as a present for improving my grades. The library trips ended once the term commences as my father believes I should read only school text books once school started. Sigh! After that we started our 'mengaji' session after school and didn't have time to go to the library anymore.

The second time I was excited about library was when I was doing my Matriculation and discovered Agatha Christie books. I love them and only went to the library to return and borrow more books. I don't like to stay and read in the library. I prefer the comfort of my bed to really enjoy reading them. My brother couldn't comprehend why I love her books so much. I slept late at night reading. If only I have the same passion reading all my text books. Now, I discovered training books costing hundreds of dollars at the bookstore in our library. I was as excited as a child discovering all the interesting colorful new toys. All these for free :) Our quota is 20 books and I borrowed training related books from half of that quota not leaving much to other books more relevant to my coursework. Now I'm skimming and scanning the books because I really have no time to devour them cover to cover. And right now I'm supposed to do my 'kerja sekolah' instead of blogging and reading all the books.

Letihnya...

Keletihan betul dalam kelas siang tadi. Letih dengan aktiviti teambuilding lepas belum habis lagi. Sempat tidur sebentar semasa rehat tengahari dalam 15-20 minit. Tadi pun terlena dan terjaga dalam pukul 9:15. Sekarang terkebil-kebil walaupun terasa letih lepas memilih soalan2 untuk presentation. Hampir 3 jam menaip past questions related to training. Ingatkan masa masuk tidur dalam pukul 1 tadi boleh lah terlena, tapi masih lagi tak dpt tidur. Tekak rasa kurang selesa, bahu terasa tegang, perut pula dah berkeroncong malam2 ni. Tadi lepas kelas minum milo cecah biskut. Sesuai betul layan masa hujan. Lepas terjaga tadi lapar juga. Korek peti ais tengok apa yang ada. Panaskan nasi sejuk, ada sayur kacang panjang dan asam rebus minggu lepas. Hentam saja lah asal dapat alas perut. Fikir nak makan apa pun, tak terbuka selera untuk apa2. Makan lah sedikit tadi, nasi + kacang panjang + kuah asam rebus. Ikannya tak selera pula nak dimakan. Kemudian minum teh o panas. Alhamdulillah kenyang. Sekarang dah lapar semula. Sigh! Camana nak diet ni.

Tadi panjang perbincangan dalam kelas untuk tajuk thesis. Walaupun macam kurang relevant dengan current business practice in Malaysia, ia sebenarnya penting untuk context tertentu. Hal yang dibincangkan ialah applicant reaction during interview. Kalau ikutkan lambakan fresh graduate yang kurang kualiti, I don't see the importance of concern on applicant's reaction from organization's perspective. Sorang tak suka, ramai lagi yang ada. Lagipun biasanya fresh graduate terima jer offer kerja if that is the only offer. But, if it is to attract experienced candidates to join the organization, it is very much relevant and worthy of investigation from organization's perspective. So kena explore topic ni dulu and tengok mana yang sesuai dengan current or potential business practices in Malaysia. Kenapa applicant reactions? Sebab supervisor yang nampak sanggup berusaha so we can complete our masters program early minat tajuk ni. Walaupun not related to training which is my interest, relevant jugalah as it involves HR practices.

Hmmm... nak cuba lelapkan mata lagi sekali. Minum madu hopefully will prevent sakit tekak, and tahan lapar sket. Fikir lagi pasal thesis esok dekat library. Terpaksa pergi library weekdays sebab long semester break till Sep, library tutup on Sat-Sun. Not fair for Masters student tapi nak buat camana.

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Dulu & Sekarang

Dulu kalau outstation naik flight, pandai-pandai sendiri nak balik. Sekarang bila tiada yang jemput, terasa muncung macam panjang sikit the moment sampai KLIA or LCCT. Sigh! Tak suka nak muncung2 tapi entah macamana susah betul nak kawal. Adakah ini tandanya dah manja atau mengada2. Hmmm...

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Exam For Sem 2 Is Over

I have just completed my final exam for Sem 2 today. It has been a long & challenging semester for all of us. I'm glad it's over & looking forward to new semester too. I vow to complete my assignments earlier next semester. I just got the hang of writing educational paper & it is starting to make sense. The pressure this semester has been tremendous. I'm hoping for good grade as last semester but I'm prepared for anything considering how difficult it has been. I can't thank my helpful classmates enough for all their help either with the research format or listening ears. 2 done, 4 more semesters to go. Sem 3 will be April-July and Sem 4 should be in August but too near to Raya break so I'm not sure. We'll begin Sem 5 end of Dec - Mar and final Sem April - July. Phewww... So if everything goes according to plan, I'll complete my Master's degree by next year. Still has not figure out what research project I'll be doing. Women at work? Gen Y at work? Training related? Hope I get my inspiration soon.

Tidurlah Mata

Dari pukul 12:45 tadi mata masih terkebil2. Kenapa lah susah pulak nak tidur ni? Mungkin sebab bantal peluk takder. Sigh! Tidurlah mata, esok nak study lagi. Two more chapters mindmap & more revisions. Nak study sekarang, rasa dah mentally tired. Tidurlah wahai mata...

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Patience and Silence

Tengah cuba bersabar. Hidup ini ada turun naiknya. And why do you have to be patient? Because... people have different expectations and limitations. Ada masa kita free and lepak and has got nothing to do so we treasure that free time by doing things we like doing. Ada orang pulak, bila free, cari benda2 untuk dibuat sama ada untuk diri sendiri atau turut libatkan orang lain. Ada masa pulak kita sibuk dan orang nampak kita sibuk. Ada masa, minda kita yang sibuk dan orang tak nampak minda kita sibuk. Ada masa kita nak orang memahami apa yang kita nak. Ada masa orang pula nak kita memahami apa yang dia nak. Itu kan adat dalam kehidupan. Knowing and doing is two different thing. Kita tahu ni semua perkara biasa. No big deal! Tapi kadang-kadang memang susah nak bersabar despite what we know.

Kadang-kadang kita tak perlu kan pun kata-kata penghargaan. Tapi janganlah pula bila kita dah buat yang terbaik setakat yang kita mampu, diberi pula kritikan atau kutukan. Bukankah diam itu lebih baik dari berkata sesuatu yang menyakitkan. Kita tahu ni kan? Sebab kita pun tak suka bila diberi kritikan atau kutukan bila dah buat yang terbaik setakat yang kita mampu. Tetapi, biasalah. Kan namanya pun manusia. Kadang2 lupa bila kita pula yang menyakitkan hati orang, berkata sesedap rasa tanpa berfikir panjang. Itulah adat bila berhadapan dengan manusia. Mungkin lebih mudah untuk kata lantaklah it is no big deal sebab kita pun pernah buat silap tapi bila hati dah terguris, susah juga kadang2 nak bersabar.

Hmmm.... apalah pula hal yang membebel tak tentu pasal ni? Mungkin sebab stress nak periksa hujung minggu ni dan belum sempat nak study. Terasa seperti ingin berkata-kata lagi, tapi sementara masih ingat kata-kata sendiri iaitu lebih baik diam kalau tiada perkara2 yang baik untuk diperkatakan, maka lebih baiklah kita diam. Syyyy.....

Partially Relieved

Alhamdulillah... I'm partially relieved after completing presentation for both my HF and IOK subjects today. However, I have to appeal to both lecturers to allow me more time to submit my research report and research proposal. Again, Alhamdulillah because both has given their consent. Which means I have 3 assignments to submit this week. Sigh! 2 from last week and 1 originally due end of this week. Arrrgghhh.... Anyway, that should give me better hope for better results. Amiiinnn...

Both the presentations were nerve wrecking. We draw lots to determine who goes in which order and both times my name was the last. That means I have to sit through others' presentations that looked so much better than mine. Their data looks good, their flow looks convincing and their references were impressive. I have huge inferiority complex there especially considering the rest have background in statistics and psychology and I don't. It was on the tip of my tongue to appeal my case to the lecturers and ask for some allowances in the marking due to my different background but I hold by the rules of presentation, never show your fear, never point out your weakness and never highight your mistake. So that's what I did. Take a deep breath, just go through the slides. One after another. There were some points where I almost faltered and thought these thing I'm presenting can't be good at all, looks like it was incomplete (not like what others had done), and so simple it could be boring to others but I managed to complete nonetheless. What a huge relief after it was over.

During the Q&A on the first presentation, a classmate pointed out to some of my slides that didn't look right. She has good background in research and is very precise and methodical in her report as well as presentation. I explained and she doesn't look convinced but did not want to push further so as not to put me in hot soup. I can see that clearly in her face. I am sure if she's marking my research, there would be no chance I would survive. Then, my lecturer came to the rescue. It seemed what I did was clear to him and I may not have written it down explicitly on my presentation but it was OK. Pheewwww!!! Again, I'm very relieved. Thank God there's no Q&A for the second presentation.

In the end, all our presentation marks were almost similar +/- 0.5 to 1 points. I can't believe it! My first presentation scored the highest mark. Really??? I'm having a mental image of me gaping in disbelieve. Probably my classmates do to. I scored the second highest in my second presentation. These presentations weightage on our overall marks were only 15% and 20% but they were a huge morale booster. Now I can complete my HF presentation confidently as I know I'm on the right track. I also learnt a lot today that will help me in future research projects. Alhamdulillah...

Previously, frustrated that I have to find references for every single idea I want to put in my research, I almost feel like screaming, "who cares about who said what decades ago!!! this is what I'm saying now!" Heh... I still have that feeling when writing research papers but I felt better today. At least all that effort of sleeping in front of my laptop in the living hall at 3 a.m. for few days paid off. Next step, gather my thoughts and complete the report. Chaiiyyookk!!! :)

Torn Apart

Today is already Friday. I'm torn apart with two feelings.

1) Yeaaayyyy... hubby is coming back soon. Miss him so much. Tak sabar nak tunggu next week.

2) Alamak Friday already. 2 assignments done, 3 more to go and 2 due this Sunday. And yet, I have time to blog???!!!! Biasalah bila hati tak keruan, mesti lepaskan stress dengan menulis.

This weekend, for IOK subject, has to send Research Proposal (40%) and present our Consultancy Presentation (20%). Status: Research Proposal not done, Concultancy Presentation done Alhamdulillah.

For HF subject, has to send Research Report (25%) and present our Research Report (15%). Status: Not done. The presentation depends on the completion of Research Report and its still in progress.

Sigh! Sigh! Sigh!

Next weekend, IOK subject has to submit one Extended Essay (40%) which I plan to complete it Sunday after class sampai siap on Monday so I can spend time with hubby when he returns. HF subject final exam (40%) boleh study Friday and Saturday. Next week's plan looks OK for now. This week yang tunggang-langgang. Hmm... OK lah I better get back to work.

Happy 3rd Anniversary Dearest Darling Hubby

TQ to my dearest darling hubby for the wonderful bouquet of sunflowers :) Lots and lots of love to you. We still have a long journey together. While we have our differences, I hope in the end it is our love for each other that matters. You are forever my 'Special Man'. I can't wait for hubby to return home and spend wonderful time of TLC together. Absence do make our hearts grow fonder and this will be one of the longest time either one of us is away from each other.

Received text from hubby earlier that he's down with fever and a bloated tummy. Hope he's feeling much better now. I still remember when hubby's down with fever during our umrah last time. Sigh! It was bad and I was really worried coz he don't normally get sick. I'm the one who do. I'm praying for him to recover soon and for the rest of the clan to remain healthy as well. Mak Sue misses everyone.

Recipe for a Perfect Holiday

What would be the recipe for a perfect holiday? For me, a perfect holiday would include most if not all from the list below.

01) Sightseeing
02) Snorkeling
03) Diving
04) Island hopping
05) Spa
06) Shopping
07) Great food
08) Great photos
09) Good movie
10) Jungle trekking
11) Playing at the beach (or water)
12) Any new and adventurous activity

As I'm still considering options for a quick getaway when hubby returns, I'm trying to create the best itineraries with our time constraint... MY time constraint actually. I have two location in mind right now. Hopefully I can come up with a decision soon.

Dreary Day

My lunch... a quick fried rice. It has been a wet & cold dreary day today... the thought of going out just is not in my plan. I woke up at 3am last night thinking of hubby and only manage to fall asleep again around 5am. When I woke up he just passed the immigration after 3-hours wait and has to wait another 3-hours before boarding the bus to Madinah. I can't imagine the challenge they went through with kids in tow as I can still remember how tired I was last time while waiting to pass immigration. And that's just the two of us. Please be patient abang and akak as this is part of the challenge to visit His holy place. Take care....

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Missed Hubby Already

Hubby waving goodbye
Hubby will reach Jeddah around 11 p.m. tonight. I sent him off at the airport today and left KLIA with a heavy heart. He's on board Saudi Air taking off at 3 p.m. Hubby said there's a surprise for me this weekend. I can't wait for weekend to be here :) 1) I really am looking forward for his surprise. 2) More days passes by means hubby will be home soon.

I'm planning a short holiday for us when hubby gets back. I'm torn between 3d2n or 2d1n holiday. Reason... I have exam that weekend. But hubby will not be free after I finished my exam. Sigh! A good motivation for me to study and prepare my assignment while hubby is away. So where to go for holiday? Sea or hills? Local or abroad? Decisions... decisions...

Anyway, I wish hubby will be in good health all the time there and everything will go as planned. Counting down to 22nd March...

We Will Be Celebrating....

In just a few days, we will be celebrating our 3rd anniversary of solemnization ceremony. In Wikipedia, on 'wedding anniversary', there is a list of flowers for each year of the anniversary. I'm not sure what is the basis or reference, but interestingly the flower for 3rd anniversary is sunflower :) See list below. For full list, refer to Wikipedia.

Year Flower
1st Carnation
2nd Lily of the valley
3rd Sunflower
4th Hydrangea
5th Daisy

Anyway, hubby will not be around to celebrate our anniversary together this year. He'll be going for umrah with Melaka family. The trip was planned for December last year but postponed because Saudi government did not issue umrah Visa on December. Then the plan was to postpone to December this year but the rescheduled flight ticket must be utilized by a certain date or it will be forfeited... so can't wait till December. Otherwise, I'd love to join them. I'll be missing hubby so much and hope everything went well. We will celebrate our anniversary once hubby return from his Umrah trip. He'll be busy after leaving work for 2 weeks and I'll have my final exam the coming weekend after he's back but I'll plan for a short getaway trip anyway.

This is the picture of our 2nd anniversary.
I really miss being in Madinah and Mekkah but the timing wasn't right. And one thing special about Umrah or Hajj, if it is not destined for you to go, even if you have all the money in the world, all the time in the world, you will not reach there. There are many rich Muslims who have not received 'the call' to visit these sacred places. There are many who is financially tight but has received unexpected rezeki to go there. Come to think of it, it is the same with life. If you think you're prepared to get married, prepared for family life, prepared for better position, you may not get what you want because He has other plans for you. I pray I'll be able to go for Hajj and Umrah again in future. Below are pictures of us during our Umrah trip in 2009.

Near Masjid Nabawi in Madinah
At Jabal Rahmah... said to be the place where Adam and Hawa met on earth.
In Masjidil Haram.

Tempat Mengadu

It has been established that I have 'Powerful Choleric' personality, followed closely by 'Peaceful Phlegmatic'. That explains my bossy nature (depending on situation) and how I handled most situation... accepting, choose my battle based on what matters most, belief that there are other important things in life than our own model of the world... lebih banyak tak kisah dan beralah.

Life is easier that way. I've seen how some people struggle sebab bos marah, struggle sebab orang terdekat tak ikut cara yang dia rasa sesuai, dan stress sebab perkara yang nampak remeh. Bukan nak memperkecilkan perasaan orang... I have high empathy to understand that to him or her, it's a big issue. So Alhamdulillah that God has given me these personalities so I can accept most things, be very adaptable and flexible.

But there were times when I have issues that I feel is important and hope people around me would understand. There were times when I feel hurt too despite feeling 'tak kisah' most of the time. There were times when I feel sad and when I look around me... I just realized I don't have anyone that I can share my feelings with.

Hubby... he's been great when it comes to sharing my feelings... except when there are issues between us. Then where do I turn to?

My mom... she has chosen the 'avoidance' approach. She disagrees with my choices and not want to have anything to do with any difficulties, hardship, emotional upheaval, even happiness. Ditto with my brothers.

My 'sis', it was very nice of her to offer her friendship... but I know she has many things to handle. She's far and sometimes I feel guilty when I talk about myself and later I found out she's not well herself but did not share her situation. There are some issues that I don't feel comfortable sharing due to our situation too.

My friends... the married one seems busy with their family, the singles were busy with their life. I used to ask my single friends whom I used to spend time with out for a drink or shopping... the response was busy and no time of course. Till I felt like maybe now I belong to a different group once married. Maybe my assumption was wrong and they were just busy but after several tries, I gave up. Relationship is a two-way thing. If my 'friends' doesn't feel the need to keep the friendship, there is nothing much that I can do. Some friends take you for granted. Once I went out for lunch with a 'friend', she spends most of her time on the phone with someone else. I know she's having a problem and need to vent her feelings but I was there and we have not met for so long. While I understand her situation, doesn't mean I don't feel hurt. There are some friends where you just grew apart. I'm slow in making new friends. There are many acquaintances but it is not easy for me to open up and trust people. Sometimes I feel like deleting most of my FB contact.

My MIL and SILs were great but we're not 'buddy' close.

So that's it. It is painful to realize that you're alone and tiada tempat mengadu. I have this blog of course. It has helped me cope with many situation in my life since the past 7-8 years. I have Allah too... the ultimate place to talk about my feelings and not get hurt unlike relationship with other human. I just don't feel normal without friends though. I have asked for love and Allah has granted it. Now dear Allah, I would like to ask for friends I can rely on. Aamiin...

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Rindu ke tak rindu?

Bila tak SMS, ada orang kata kita tak rindu. Bila dah SMS, jawapannya "OK. TQ." jer... buat kita rasa ada orang tu pulak yang tak rindu. Busy sangat sampai tak dapat nak jawab panjang-panjang. Sigh! Tu lah kadang-kadang malas nak SMS. Buat kita pulak terasa hati.

Tapi kalau ada orang dah merajuk, kita juga yang tak senang hati dibuatnya. Tu lah dia adat dan dugaan untuk menjaga hati orang tersayang. Bila sentiasa di depan mata, mula lah take things for granted dan kadang-kadang boring melanda. Bila dah berjauhan pula, rindu tak terkata... sampai rasa tak nak berenggang langsung.

Yang mana satu habit sendiri, yang mana satu tabiat hubby, biarlah rahsia bak kata Datuk Siti :) Tinggal beberapa hari jer lagi hubby tiada disisi hampir 2 minggu. Kena lah bersedia dengan cabaran bila berjauhan. Hopefully SMS dikirim sampai ke destinasi, WiFi ada untuk online walaupun sekejap... dan yang penting sekali, semuanya selamat pergi dan selamat kembali.

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Date Night

Last night, hubby and I went out for a quick dinner and movie. It has been a while since we went out for a movie. It was some time before I found out I was pregnant... and then the complications and confinement. Since this week I started conducting training, hubby also has to conduct some technical training... and yesterday was the last day. It was like a celebration after few days of hardwork :)

I wish we have longer time so I can window shop but going out at night was always a rush of Maghrib prayer, dinner and movie. Our favorite movie time were around 9 - 10 pm so we'll reach home around midnight. The movie 'Sanctum' was engaging from start to end. It was about few cave divers who have to find escape route because the cave was flooded. No way am I going to dive in any cave after this. Only recreational open water for me.

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