55 Days

Our frangipani's first bloom a few days ago...
On the 50th day, something shocking happened to me... it is related to my health :( When I first discovered the symptom, I don't know how to react or what to do. Much like how I felt when I had my miscarriage. Googled for all the information I can get, called my gynae friend who asked me to wait till next week if possible because she's attending a course the whole week, paced the floor in a daze while waiting for hubby to return. I broke the news about my symptom gently, after he has taken the breakfast, rest for a while and handled some work matters over the net.

Sigh! How I feel is probably something like this example...

- You pulled a leg muscle and have to walk in a limp, and how you wish you can have the full utility of your leg.
- You scratch your leg badly and it bleeds, and you probably wish to have a temporary limp due to pulled muscle because it is so much better than the bad scratch. Of course the ultimate wish is for the full utility of the leg.
- Then, something really bad happened and doctor have to amputate part of the leg, and you probably wish to have a limp or a scratch if not full use of the leg because those are so much better than the amputation.
- What if, the situation worsens and the whole leg has to be amputated, then you probably thought part amputation is better than the full amputation.
- In a worse situation still, both legs has to be amputated. You probably thought to lose 1 leg is still better than losing both.
And the story might go on and on... everytime, a worse than before situation makes you realize the previous situation you were in wasn't so bad.

Double sigh! I love adventure and trying new things and if the symptom proven to be the dreaded situation, I have to mind my every move and activities. The possibility of another baby might pose another risk for me :( The only way to give me strength to go through this situation is thinking of other worse things that could happen. And I wish I could genuinely be thankful of the little test given to me by Him. I praised him and said Alhamdulillah to all that I have now, the things He has bestowed on me... but how do I know it was a sincere and genuine thanks to Allah? Because some part of me still wished I didn't have to go through this situation, part of me wished I could be healthy and normal like how I was before the pregnancy and miscarriage. How do I know I accepted this test with an open heart and full believe that this test means He loves me and because He knows it is best for me? Do I truly believe, because of this test, something better awaits me?

I wish I am truly genuinely and sincerely tawakkal to Him. Someone posted in FB about humility in our prayers. We might think we have given all in our do'a, we are sincere in our do'a... but we might not be humble enough when we ask from him. Nauzubillah...

Anyway, we looked for another masseuse and I found someone in Puchong Prima which I read about in someone's blog. Such a disappointment... there'll be another story on this later. Then I have to push all my fears aside and focus on my 3-days training. My first training after like 6 months hiatus. The first day, I slept by 9 I think... and woke up at 12, unable to sleep for a while. The second day, almost the same story. I tried to stay awake till past 10 p.m. I woke up a few times since hubby can't sleep, but fall asleep again every time. Then last night, went to Klang and found another masseuse. I really needed one due to the 3-days training and the situation of course. Alhamdulillah I do feel much better after the massage. Really, really satisfied and the cost is so much cheaper than all the other masseuse I've used during my confinement. I hope my situation will get better and no drastic action is required.

Book Voucher

My class is canceled today. My lecturer emailed yesterday evening around 8 p.m., saying he's not well. I wonder what should I do? I can't mopped at the house whole day, setting up to meet friends at the last minute doesn't seem very appealing. Besides, some of them are going outstation training today. In the end I decided to go to the bookstore, something which I've meant to do for quite some time but procrastinate because I'm lazy to go to all the big bookstores in the busy town center.

Since I'm a student, I received the RM200 book voucher from the government who uses people's money to do that. And it so happened this semester we use two PDF books as our text and reference. There is no need to buy books. I could buy just about any books and stationeries I want or buy something useful either for my study or my work. I choose the latter.

Despite the apprehension that this is a school holiday Sunday, the traffic and the crowd... ahhh... just go out early and wish for the best. Otherwise I would procrastinate some more and later I have training and I might not do it and waste the book vouchers. It has been a while since I last went to KLCC. I decided to go to Kinokuniya because of the arrays of the kind of book I'm looking for.

Initially I thought what great way to spend the voucher than buy this book, "No More Bullshit, Please, We’re All Malaysians" but then I figured, I already know about those bullshit. The information is available everywhere in the internet. Then I do consider this book by Dr Asri Zainal Abidin, "Islam In Malaysia: Perceptions & Facts". I also have to reconsider because I already am following his blog and his speeches on youtube.

Then I headed to the Training section and browse the racks. They have repositioned some of the shelves and book area so I spent quite some time looking for the training books. In the end, found it near the magazine and cashier counter. I wanted to look for books that can give me some input to my training. Something that I can use to bring my training to the next level. Not the basic stuffs. It is quite hard to browse when all the books are wrapped. After careful deliberation, I make my choices and feeling very satisfied with it. The damage - RM446.45. Sigh! At least we can use the receipt for income tax deduction :)

Arrived at KLCC 11:15, leave at slightly after 1. Two hours well spent and then decided to return home to read my books :)

Ketika Menghadapi Ujian Kehidupan...

Peringatan ketika menghadapai ujian-ujian dalam kehidupan. We are here to be tested as His servant... all the time. We are also given the means to better face those tests and challenges. Dengan tawakkal dan doa...


Ayat di atas bermaksud “Tiada Tuhan melainkan Engkau (ya Allah)! Maha Suci Engkau, Sesungguhnya aku adalah dari orang-orang yang menganiaya diri sendiri.” Doa ini diucapkan oleh Nabi Yunus sebagaimana dirakamkan oleh Allah:

Firman Allah dalam Surah Al-Anbiya’ 21:87

87: Dan (sebutkanlah peristiwa) Zun Nun (gelaran bagi Nabi Yunus), ketika dia pergi (meninggalkan kaumnya) dalam keadaan marah, yang menyebabkan dia menyangka bahawa Kami tidak akan mengenakannya kesusahan atau cubaan; maka dia pun menyeru dalam keadaan yang gelap-gelita dengan berkata: “Tiada Tuhan melainkan Engkau (ya Allah)! Maha Suci Engkau, Sesungguhnya aku adalah dari orang-orang yang menganiaya diri sendiri.”

Even the prophet is tested by Allah. The story is further mentioned in Surah As-Saffat 37:139-148 as mentioned below.

139: Sesungguhnya Yunus adalah seorang antara para rasul.
140: Tatkala dia lari ke kapal yang penuh muatan.
141: Kemudian dia ikut mengundi, lalu dia termasuk orang yang dibuang.
142: Maka dia ditelan oleh ikan besar dalam keadaan tercela.
143: Maka kalau sekiranya dia tidak termasuk orang yang banyak bertasbih (mengingat Allah).
144: Nescaya dia akan tetap tinggal dalam perut ikan itu sampai hari kebangkitan.
145: Kemudian Kami (Allah) lemparkan dia ke tanah yang tandus, sedang dia (dalam keadaan) sakit.
146: Dan Kami (Allah) tumbuhkan untuknya sebatang pohon daripada jenis labu.
147: Dan Kami (Allah) utuskan dia kepada seratus ribu (orang) atau lebih.
148: Lalu mereka beriman, maka Kami (Allah) berikan nikmat kepada mereka hingga waktu yang tertentu.

Kerana doa ini Nabi Yunus terselamat. Jadi ketika dalam kesukaran dan kesedihan, bacalah doa ini.

Ayat ini yang lebih dikenali dengan ayat seribu dinar [ Al-Talaaq 65: 2-3] adalah sebaik-baik doa untuk segala masalah. Barang siapa yang beramal ayat ini Allah akan mengadakan baginya jalan keluar dari segala kesulitan, Allah akan memberi rezeki dengan tidak di sangka-sangka dan Allah menyampaikan hajatnya, dengan beramal bersungguh-sungguh dan yakin kepada Allah, diri terlindung daripada bala di darat dan di laut.

Firman Allah SWT yang bermaksud :

2: ...dan sesiapa yang bertakwa kepada Allah (dengan mengerjakan suruhanNya dan meninggalkan laranganNya), nescaya Allah akan mengadakan baginya jalan keluar (dari segala perkara yang menyusahkannya),

3: Serta memberinya rezeki dari jalan yang tidak terlintas di hatinya dan (Ingatlah), sesiapa berserah diri bulat-bulat kepada Allah, maka Allah cukuplah baginya (untuk menolong dan menyelamatkannya). Sesungguhnya Allah tetap melakukan segala perkara yang dikehendakiNya. Allah telahpun menentukan kadar dan masa bagi berlakunya tiap-tiap sesuatu.

The Door Bell Nuisance

Today I'm feeling very tired. Whole day is focused on training material for next week's training. Even copy and paste slides from existing materials need to be done with careful thinking of the flow and relevance, and need to adjust some of the font size and font colors even with the option 'paste using new template'. Not to mention doing Google Image search to include some photos. After emailing the training material, have to adjust the materials for presentation, include videos, songs, and summarize the 3-days session plan on a piece of paper for easy reference. Now all that is done. All 129 slides. Phewww!!!

I do my work in bed, for the simple reason that I already have my things in the bedroom and easier for me to use my laptop till time to sleep. Hubby is not around today so just slide everything to the side and fall asleep. So I spend most of my time upstairs today and it is really a nuisance when the door bell rang. I feel as if it rang so many times today.

First, the Poslaju guy. Then, the girls next door I think. When I went out, nobody was around. I saw few shuttlecocks inside our gate. Threw it into their compound next door. Then a guy asking for donation. Then after dinner, the girls again. This time they really riled me up by pressing the doorbell so many times. As if I got nothing to do but ran downstairs to fetch their shuttlecock. I did scold them this time. They are around 7-9 years old. Probably the girl's cousins staying for the school holiday. Three of them. I shouldn't be angry. They are just kids being kids... but my patience is really tested after having to run downstairs so many times.

I wanted to pretend I didn't hear the doorbell because if no one calls me on my handphone to inform me they are coming, that means I'm not expecting anyone. But then, I got curious too. What if there is an emergency, next door neighbour need help or something. That's why I can't ignore the door bell. Anyway, I think the night will be peaceful after this. I'll probably sleep early... mentally tired after the 'thinking' work.

I Want Chocolate...

Tiba-tiba terasa nakkkkk sangat makan chocolate. Any kind of chocolate will do. Tapiiii... takder stock chocolate di rumah. Camana ni? Nak mintak darling hubby belikan, on his way back from work, memang tak lalu mana2 petrol station or kedai. Sigh! Sigh! Sigh!

Chocolate... oh chocolate...

Teringat2 brownies semalam coated with warm chocolate. Nyummm!!!

Kedai yang jual apam balik nearby pun ada jual apam balik perisa chocolate. Memang dah few times merasa. By now, rasanya dah habis. Kalau masih ada pun, almost dinner time to be having apam balik perisa coklat pulak.

Kalau dapat Picnic, or Crunchie...bestnyaaa... Paling tidak pun, Snickers saiz mini tu. Janji dapat chocolate. Visualizing the gooey crunchy chocolate and nut and marshmallow or honeycomb... muka memang amat sesuai untuk buat iklan sedang menikmati coklat sekarang ni. Kalau dapat coklat lah :)

Masa pregnant haritu, tak teringin pun tengok coklat. Berdiri depan rak coklat di Giant, tengok kiri kanan rak2 yang penuh dengan coklat pelbagai, tak rasa apa2 pun. Baby takmo coklat, so tak beli lah.

Anyway, mana ler nak cari coklat ni? Takkan nak keluar semata2 untuk sekeping chocolate. Sigh! Milo boleh kut substitute coklat buat sementara. Yuppp... jom ratah Milo.

Probably It's The Weather...

Something is in the air...

Terasa sesuatu... macam boring. Kenapa yer? Probably it is the weather...

The weather said: Yeah blame it on me... panas sangat salah, hujan salah, mendung pun salah.

Sigh! I do prefer bright blue sky then cloudy and gloomy like this. Hubby likes it though. Macam Amsterdam katanya. Dan... tak payah siram pokok.

I like the 'tak payah siram pokok' part too but better kalau hujan awal pagi, then cerah... or hujan lewat petang. The day remains bright and breezy. Yer lah tu... demand macam2.

Harini pagi2 darling hubby dah ke office. Switched on my laptop and check on next week's training material prepared by a fellow trainer, aduhaiii... pening. Definitely need to meet him and discuss on the content. My presentation material is normally very structured, from the Learning Objectives, modules and content. So bila material not separated by modules, ala-ala copy paste from Word document jer, penuh paragraphnya, terasa pening. Kalau trainer pening, participants nanti pun pening juga. Presentation kena lah guna points sahaja, with lots of pics and diagrams. Table pun halus benar. Adui...

Tengok ler if I can reuse my own material and selit2 kan parts yang takder tu. It will be a 3-days training. Only 1 of the day I don't have any material at all. That day probably need to use his material.

It's almost 11 now. Cooking time. Nak masak apa? Nak masak apa? Kenapa takder idea ni... tak teringin nak makan apa-apa. Itu yang buat tak begitu teruja nak memasak. Yang ada dalam kepala sekarang ni, cencaru bakar, cili kicap and goreng pucuk paku. Hmmm... by noon bila dah lapar, apa yang ada semua OK. Tapi nak mula memasak ni, dalam cuaca begini... terasa hari kurang ceria.

Akal kata... diri sendiri yang buat ceria, bukan hari atau cuaca...
Hati kata... kalau camtu, kenapa tak rasa ceria ni? Camana nak bagi ceria?

Double sigh...

44 Days and 4th Anniversary

It's the 44th and final day of confinement for me. Alhamdulillah I have the luxury of time to rest and recover physically and emotionally. Today is also our 4th anniversary :) Last year I can't celebrate with hubby since he went for umrah with MLK family and I was busy with my study. Despite getting a bouquet of flower from hubby, all I wish for the day is to be with him. This year, we're given the opportunity to do that. There is nothing special planned for the day. Just the thought that hubby's around makes it special.

Last night he surprised me with a homemade video. I love it so much. Can't post it anywhere though coz it is very personal and in some pics I didn't wear head cover. We went down memory lane thinking of the event that leads to our solemnization ceremony. It wasn't easy for us... but in a way, Allah DID make it easy. Everything went smoothly that day. It was a Thursday and I officially became a wife at 11:30 a.m. Hopefully we will always remember the journey that we have to go through to get to where we are now, hopefully our love will be as strong forever, and hopefully... we will always receive rahmah and barakah from Him.

Hubby is supposed to have a meeting in the afternoon today. Normally my confinement routine is... start going to the kitchen by 11 to prepare lunch. Today I started earlier coz hubby wants to leave by 1 p.m. There is a change of plan after lunch though and hubby's meeting is postponed tomorrow. Oh oh... I thought I wanna surprise him with something but I need some time to do that. I can't do it with hubby around. I know... I have not prepare for it earlier. But then again, having hubby around is so much better isn't it :)

Anyway, since everything is impromptu... I can improvise. Hubby urgently needs to get a mouse and I have my AHA moment. Give hubby something that he'll use everyday and what better to give him than a mouse that he'll caress all the time hehehe... To top it off, we shared a brownies at Secret Recipe. Just... nice and sweet moment.

Mouse for hubby...
Before
After
Happy 4th Anniversary Abang... Love you so much! Syukur pada Allah atas nikmat kasih sayang yang diberikan :)

After 6 Weeks

I've just completed my assignment and e-mailed it to my lecturer at 4:01 p.m., without the luxury of time to review and revise. The due date is today at 4:00 p.m. Normally I'd start blogging when I have assignments to complete. This time I have to refrain myself though and only blog after assignment submission. Mission accomplished.

It has been 6 weeks since baby is gone. Time seems to fly after the event, when earlier every minute and every day seems to pass by slowly. 2 more days and it will be the end of confinement period. I have received a call from the hospital giving two appointment dates for me. The first is for a blood test and then an appointment with the gynae. I hope everything goes well. As for the emotional upheaval, I've gone through it... the ups and downs... and hubby has been with me all the way.

During this time, I learned and realized many things such as who will be there for me, what I value most, how strong or fragile I am and how I will improve myself. The most important thing in life is family. And friends of course but friends will be busy with their lives and at most they will send you a message via FB or text or give a call. A few will come for a visit. But family, will be there with you all the way. I value the time and effort, care and concern of family and friends during the time we need it most. Hubby's strong shoulder makes it easy for me to lean on him for support physically and emotionally. I have more empathy for others in distress and will give the support any way I can. I've been there and seen a glimmer of hope in any kind of support given to me under the situation. I would like to be that glimmer of hope too for others in need.

I've also become quite sensitive to the thought of "losing" recently. If hubby is not around, who will be there for me? Probably... nobody! Or maybe... some family members, if I'm lucky. I've been in a situation where I have to handle certain things on my own many times since I was young. Even my wedding... which makes me think all those time I have to handle things on my own... probably is God's way to prepare myself for bigger situations where I have to handle things on my own too. That makes me wonder if I'm forever destined to handle things on my own... alone!

If hubby is not around, there will be no strong shoulders for me to lean on. That really is a depressing thought. Hubby said there is always that possibility... and I have to be strong to face it if that is the reality. In a very unlikely hubby's character, he suggested if that happens, for me to find someone else. A very improbable suggestion from hubby that makes me visualize my jaw dropping to the ground. Not that easy to find someone to replace my 'special man' abang! I gave hubby a hypothetical scenario. If he's not around and I remarry someone just for company at our old age (not because of love), will I be reunited with hubby in paradise or with the new guy? To which hubby jokingly said, "Kau ambiklah... takper. Aku dah ada 1000 bidadari." Hmmmppphhh.... geram, tapi gelihati jugak. I hope I will never have to go through that situation. May hubby and I grow old together, and be reunited in the hereafter... with baby too :)