The 5th Week

Maybe the dizziness I experienced in the beginning of this month is not related to the ones I'm feeling now. Maybe it does. Only God knows. Few days ago I felt dizzy with a vengeance. It was so strong it got me really worried. I have 3 training days so far and it was a real challenge when dizziness strikes as most of the time I was on my feet. If it's not low BP, not due to sugar level, I might have to do lots of tests as the doctor suggested last time. Furthermore, I have not been eating right and on time. I'll normally get headache when I don't eat on time. But that was headache... not dizzy.

Then, I started to feel pain just like when the milk factory was preparing themselves the last time I was pregnant. I dare not hope as I was expecting my period in a few days time. Maybe it was one of the PMS symptoms. Then there's some light spotting few days before period. I was confused and started counting the days again. I know eversince my miscarriage last time the timing was off but few days early? The possibility of implantation bleeding did cross my mind but after about a year since last miscarriage where disappointments after disappointments when japanese army comes for a visit (hehehe... how's that for dramatic effect?)... I stopped hoping and only stick with facts especially when it comes to my bodily functions. Yup... even with the frequent urination, I'm not whipping out that pregnancy test till I missed my period. There's a pregnancy book at MPH that I thought could be a good buy... but stopped myself before I bought it. What am I going to do with it if I'm not pregnant? It will just be a painful reminder.

THE day came and went. Nothing! The next day I scrambled around looking for my pregnancy test. I knew I have one stashed somewhere but I couldn't find it. I go through my drawers twice. Sigh! Where on earth was it hiding? I can't keep up with the suspense any longer and drove to the nearest Guardian. I did the test. Initially I didn't see anything but the second line started to appear more and more prominent after about a minute. That is a fact! And I can't stop smiling. There's a feeling of quiet confidence in me that says, this is it! this will be it! But the rational me is still kinda apprehensive. It is still in its critical stage. The last time it lasted around 6 weeks. I'm just in the 5th week now. Everyday that goes by without bleeding or severe cramping is a blessing and victory for the little one :)

I don't mind the dizziness so much now. Hubby insisted I took some milk like Anmum or Enfamama or whatever as long as it gives extra nutrients to my body. I can't say No to that eventhough the thought of 'milk' doesn't really excite me. That night we went out to buy the milk and I saw they got chocolate flavor. Hahaha... lucky me. That should taste better. The next morning hubby reminded me to drink the milk. It didn't taste that bad. And surprise, surprise, I didn't feel as dizzy as before. So probably my body nutrients is passing to baby at a high rate. Hence, the dizziness. So the milk has helped. And I will be counting our victory days one day at a time. I need all the prayers I can get... may we have a healthy, happy baby who will be a sweetheart to ummi and ayah in the world and hereafter. So here begins our journey...

Not 100% Well

I've been under the weather lately. I still have not recovered from my sore eyes. It has been almost 2 weeks now. It was not as swollen or red but it still itches and looks smaller from my healthy eyes.

Then, I have bout of dizziness a few days ago. I felt nauseous if I move too much. I don't feel like my head was spinning or anything like that... just kind of heavy. It's difficult to explain. Hubby insisted I went to clinic to check so I did. I got my blood pressure and sugar level checked. It was normal. The doctor doesn't seem to be able to explain my symptom. She just prescribed Prochlor for my dizziness with a reminder if I don't recover, I'll need to go for blood test.

The pill does stop the dizziness but now I have different problems. I have problem passing motion that caused stomach pain and goosebumps. My ear also ache and I can feel the sharpness of the pain right to my tonsil. I know ear ache can cause dizziness but I didn't have it earlier. Not until I took the pill. Initially I didn't make the connection. Yesterday morning I took the pill, missed it on lunch which makes me feel better in the evening, then I took one after dinner and started having tummy discomfort, ear ache and goosebumps again. Sigh! So that's the culprit. That's what happened when we treat symptoms and not causes.

I'm quite worried now cause come to think of it, I have this bout of dizziness quite frequently already. Once at my workplace a few years back, I have to ask my colleagues to drive my car back. He stopped at a nearby commuter station with another female colleague to continue their journey, before I drove back on my own. It was a shorter journey home that way. That was way before I met hubby and the doctor gave some pill for ear infection. Then I got it several more times and I thought it could be due to my low blood pressure problem.

I went to clinic twice already to check my BP and sugar level when I felt dizzy, and they were normal. So what causes the dizziness? I might not realize it if it happens for a day... I'd thought it was something I ate or I was just tired... but it would normally lasts for few days. Now, I can't quickly assume it is due to my low BP. I don't feel dizzy anymore... just the symptoms after taking the prescribed Prochlor tablet. I have to remember the next time I feel dizzy again, have to perform more tests.

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Happy New Year 2011

Time flies so fast. It is now the third year I'm freelancing and I have already completed the first semester of my Master's program. In March, we'll celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary, going on to 4th year of marriage. We'll be moving to another house soon. Hopefully, the house will be the spot where we'll settle down till retirement age. Hubby has a plan to settle down in his hometown very much later in our life. I don't mind wherever that may be... as long as we're happy :)

As for my freelancing performance, it has been a decline of revenue by 15k in 2010 and 10 days short from 2009 where I have 61 training days. In 2010, I have more lower paying training job but I have more clients and different topics for training experience. Which means, I also have to spend more time to prepare for the material. In 2009, I have a project for unemployed graduates and the training topics were all the same. This year, I already have 4 training days already booked in January. I hope it will be a good year. I'm not pushing too hard though since I don't want to sacrifice my study for work. I have a choice to have more free time... that's why I choose freelancing.

For my 1st semester, I was really worried about my statistics paper. The group research did not turn out too well. I wasn't very confident with my final exam but thank God I did well. A- for my statistics and an A for my cross cultural psychology paper where I have more confident in the final exam. I believe my statistics Prof has been quite lenient since we don't have any statistics background. But he told us he really can't help two of the final year students no matter how hard he tried. So they have to repeat the paper again and they have to wait for when it's offered.

I hope I will never have to go through that experience. Unlike when I was an undergrad where a consistent B+ will ensure a Dean's List... for post grad, I really have to try to score as much as I can. I now have the working experience and as a trainer, a better way of learning new things. If later in the semester, I have to struggle with work demand or God knows what, the CGPA from my earlier semesters can be a buffer. So there is not really an excuse not to do my best when I can now.

Yesterday, as I was watching CSI reruns, a phrase stuck in my mind. "Belief in the best version of yourself". I really like that. There were time when we were down, when we were up, when we were our best, when we were not... just belief in the best version of ourself. That we are good enough, that we are capable and able. Am I worried about the future? Some people are worried about not having a steady income, not having EPF, not having a steady job...

I do worry... but not too much. I belief God has things planned for us and make available the resources we can use to go on with our life. Whatever challenges He throw at us, I hope we'll be strong enough and calm enough to go through it. Why this train of thought? A dear friend is going through a difficult phase in her life. I tried to be there for her as much as I could. That also make me realize we're here in this world to be tested. As long as we're strong as a family, as a big family, I believe we can go through anything. In her case, her family shuns her in her quest for happiness. I can understand her feelings. I've been in her shoes. I have my own family now and their emotional support really means a lot to me.

As for work and survival, rezeki comes from Him. I'm not tied down like some people who worry why they did not get promotion, why they did not get a raise, why their employer did not notice them and feel as if there is nothing much that they can do. I conducted a leadership training once and some participants confided all these fear. When I kept repeating that rezeki comes from Allah, not their boss who do not want to promote them, not the Board who chose a person who speaks better English during promotion interview, some get it, some gets cynical about it. I'm thankful for my skill and ability to train and for the 'rezeki' that comes from Him. For all the good things that come my way, I hope I'll be strong enough to face difficulties and calamities.

With that thought, Happy New Year 2011...