Musim Itu Datang Lagi

I'm so tired I could fall asleep right now. But if I do that, I'd wake at 2 or 3 am and can't fall asleep again and the next day I'd be like a zombie. It's that time of the year again where training request are at its peak...  in addition, my supervisor will be pushing for our thesis before he go  for his sabbatical leave. Sigh! But I have to go with the flow. No job would let me be on 6 months leave without much financial worries. Hmmm... well... there's a bit of worrying though as my buffer dwindles to 2 months. But I feel blessed nonetheless to be able to afford to do that. And I expect this to continue till before fasting month. Then will be a break for Ramadhan and Raya before the busyness continues in September till end of the year. So, have to be ready mentally and physically.

I missed my family too much this time though. The last time I went back was during BIL and SIL's wedding. I have to postpone my intention twice already. Last weekend was rushing for training materials. I spent five days preparing the materials full time. As in... started staring at my laptop the moment I woke up till I fell asleep at 1 or 2 am. The only break I have was eating time, cook very simple meal or eat leftover food, perform my prayers, water the plants and toilet break. My eyes felt funny when I stop starring at the screen and look at the distance, the greeneries, or just simply break away from staring at the screen. My lecturer also pushed for our practicum report. Thank God he extended the deadline, or else I'd be dead.

I have just completed a training today. It is quite stressful since this is the first time I joined a new organization as their associate trainers. And a milestone for me as a trainer, the 3 materials I prepared were in Malay. All this while, I use English material and deliver in Malay if I have to. Encountered many funny translation in Google translate but too rushed to enjoy a good laugh. One sticked in my mind though... improvise = garu sendiri LOL. Another milestone also for me this year, as I up my rate by 50% hehehe... I couldn't do that to my existing associate company who has given me a break in this area. Besides, I know how much they are getting most of the time and feels my share is quite reasonable. Besides, they are also the one who introduce me to this associate company.

I could start preparing my report tonight.... but we'll see how thing goes. I just want to have a break, a short rest. I was also on the phone with my classmate on the way back. She said she'll focus on the report with 70% marks and less focus on the logbook with so much work but carry only 15%. Good idea my dear friend. That's what I'll do too. The deadline is coming Monday, a week from the initial deadline. But I have 5-days training next week. So by hook or by crook, it has to be completed by this Sunday. So no balik kampung, no meeting with friends and no life again this weekend. So looking forward to next weekend... Ya Allah, semoga panjang umur untuk berjumpa my beloved family.

Mother's Day 2012

On this day dedicated to mothers, many mothers experience the appreciation from their children in many forms: a wish, a kiss, a card, breakfast in bed, spa package and what-not. Surely, the moms feel the love and appreciation from their children's effort... especially little ones. Rightfully, they should not have to dedicate a particular day to appreciate moms. Mother's love and devotion is to be cherished at all times. Anyhow, better a day of recognition than none at all. This entry is dedicated to my dear mother.

My mom is a very dedicated and strong lady. After her difficult divorce, she has to take care of us. Abah left us and disappear after he lost a court case regarding child sustenance after the divorce. While I've been judgmental in the past, I've learnt that it is not my position to judge and punish. Only Allah can do that. It is none of my business to judge my parents for their issues. I should just respect them as my mom and dad.

It was difficult for mom but she managed to see us through to universities. Her bitterness over the divorce never subsided though. She always repeat the same stories of her anger and disappointment over and over again, anytime we come for a visit. I remember feeling stressed every time I have to sit through and listen to her anger and disappointments. Sometimes I tried to divert her to talk about other things. But she will come back to the same issues in no time and continue talking about it. I've prayed that she be given peace and contentment in her golden years. She has gone through a lot raising us to be the person that we are today. Unfortunately, that didn't materialize. Not yet. Sometimes she can become a very difficult person to talk to. I remember a saying, "if it is difficult to love someone, that is the person who needed love most". Yup, I believe mom needs more love that we can afford to give. I even pray that she meet someone who can make her happy. That has also not materialize yet. Probably Allah has other plans for us. Dear Allah, please give her peace and love in her soul. She has sacrificed herself for her children so much over the years. If anyone happens to stumble upon this blog and read this entry, please pray for my mom too :(

When I finally found and met Abah, she wants nothing to do with me anymore. She wants nothing to do with any of her children who has met Abah. We kept it a secret for several years but things get out in the open in the end. Abah has his faults... so does mom. I'm in no position to judge and we children shouldn't be put in a position to choose between our parents. Abah is not a bad person. He do loves his children. Mom's strength as a single mother is admirable. That strong will and determination pull us through difficult financial situations in our growing up years. Probably her anger keeps her going too. I can see her hardheadedness in me too. While I've always prayed that I will not become a bitter person, that stubbornness pulls me through many situations where mom is not around for me. That stubbornness make me steadfast when accepting hubby as my husband, arranged our wedding ceremony, go through several Hari Raya without mom, go through several miscarriages without her and accept her decision not to be in my life anymore.

Probably I shouldn't expect mom to be around during those events in my life. She has done her duties well. Mom always said in the past that she will not take care of her grandchildren. She has done her duties raising us. It is up to us to take that responsibility if we have children.

I've tried many times. Sometimes we ended up arguing. I do not want to argue with her. I shouldn't be arguing with her. When she's angry, she'll say things that hurt me and stay with me. I certainly broke her heart too. For mom, it is either her way, or no way at all. In the end, I decided to give her what she wants. No more calls, no more argument, for her to live her life in peace (her way) and me living mine. Some people will not understand. It is OK. They didn't go through what we went through. Some people has different character altogether. You probably watch in the news a mother crying for her son, a convicted murderer or an addict. Mom would have disowned us in that situation and never look back.  In fact, she has done that. My appeal to her not to separate what's left of our family fall on deaf ears. Then it is my turn to be disowned. Probably it is her defense mechanism. The only way she can handle her emotion.

Dear Allah,

I have prayed for this many times. Please give peace and contentment to Mom. Let her live the rest of her life happily after going through hardship raising all her children. Please give her the love that she needs. Even if I'm not humble enough when requesting this from you, please do it for my Mom, give it to her who has raised your khalifahs in this world.  Aamiinn...

There is a glint of anger in me. Why wouldn't mom see some sense? Why wouldn't she be like other moms who loves their children unconditionally. But then again, I do realize if those other moms have to go through what my mom went through, they probably wouldn't fare so well. Maybe there are other moms who has to go through worse situations than us but fared even better, but Allah gives us challenges in life to a different degree depending on our capacity to handle the hardships. Again, I'm in no position to judge. Sometimes my heart and my head tells me two different things. While I can see things from a rational point of view, I'm not a person without emotion. I pray that Allah will help me distinguish those anger and give me acceptance and peace in my heart too.

Suppressing feelings and living my life with a view that life is too short to dwell on bitter things and uncertainties has been my defense mechanism. I have lots of love from the people around me. I am very thankful for that. Though sometimes I do wonder if my mom CAN choose to leave me, a mother leaving her children, I know I'm all grown up so don't be too melodramatic about it isn't it... what more I can hope from other people? Even my husband? Hmmm... better not dwell on negativities right! Hubby's love is a gift from Him. If He test me with more challenges... I pray He will give me strenght to go through it. Maybe my stubbornness will give me strength to go through it but... I pray for the best in my life and the Hereafter. For now, I have a lot to be thankful for and there is no need to be angry or negative about anything. Alhamdulillah...

Happy Mother's Day to all Mom out there. If everything goes well last time, my pregnancy would have been in the 30th week but things didn't go as planned. I have not been given a chance to be one yet. Maybe one day.... If I don't have that privilege, there are so many things I can enjoy and appreciate in life. Thank you Allah for giving me this ability to appreciate what I have around me, the ability not to bother too much with things I can't control, the ability to love and be loved. Again Ya Allah, please give peace and contentment to my mom. Please soften her heart to forgive us for any wrongdoings to her.