Under A Spell

Dah kena jampi dah. Habis lah....

The days feels different. Who would have thought? There must be something there that wasn't there before.

When Are You Getting Married?

So when are you getting married? My boss asked while taking two steps back. He has this habit of taking few steps back whenever he feels his questions gonna met with my wrath. Before that, he was hanging over my cubicles like some unwanted decoration. I hate it whenever he does that... hovering over me. If he happens to do that when I'm having lunch, I'll give him this glare. I don't care what he thinks. I want to have my lunch in peace and quiet. Having him standing there looking at me eat is going to give me indigestion.

Well, back to that 'M' question. The question arises because he's talking about hiring more people. No matter how much sex indiscrimination talk at a work place is out there, employers are still hesitant to hire females who are married, especially young ladies when pregnancy and maternity leave will come into the picture. I don't blame employers totally. When a company, especially small ones, hires new staff, they want people who can work for at least for 1-2 years before having to deal with maternity leave. That is just common sense for an organization who's surviving on its own financial source for so long.

My reply to him, "Why you so kay-poh one?" And he retorts, "I need to do my manpower planning!" I didn't answer him and after some more talking (he talks, I pretend to listen), he left. Oh God... he can really talk until my face turns blue.

Only last week, somebody asked me the same question. What is it with these people? They probably thought marriage is my only goal now, or the only goal of single ladies out there. I have to disappoint them and am being very happy to do that.

What I want is to be happy. I'm not exactly unhappy now but I feel like there is something else out there for me. Something that will probably change my life, yank me out of my comfortable zone and gives me the exuberance I once have when I started working... when everyone started working. After a while, all the enthusiasm and joy of working dissipated in inverse relationship with ones age. Whatever that something is, I haven't figured it out yet. But I know it is out there.

And no, marriage talk did not give me the exuberance feeling I'm looking for.

Hands Gripping the Steering Wheel, Breathe... Breathe...

I have to do a presentation to a client this morning at 10.00. I planned to leave my apartment at 9.20, reached the client's place at 9.40 with enough time to find a parking space and set-up my notebook and the projector.

I can only plan.....

At 9.20, just before I leave the apartment, I feel a very strong urge to undistress my gastrointestinal distress. It is OK I thought. I still have time.

However, I fear the distress call will be the agenda of the day. Of all the days, why today??!! But I still pray no accidents will happen while delivering the presentation... or on the way there. So I finally leave the apartment at 9.30 and on the way, another distress call. Oh my God! So hands gripping the steering wheel, breathe in... breathe out... breathe in... breathe out. Managed to reach the client's place at 9.50, hand phone rings... a call from my boss, answer him and find out there is no parking at the place I normally park all at the same time.

The guard directs me to another parking area where I'm not familiar with. To make matters worse, I've to go to another department where I'm also not familiar with. Will I have the time to reach the meeting room before 10?

I headed to another parking area, another guard said the place is full too. I have to park outside and walk in. What!!! In my condition? I don't think I can survive. I told him I've a meeting at 10 hoping he can come up with a better alternative like just park anywhere as long as I did not obstruct another vehicle. I really am desperate but the guard didn't budge. He said there is nothing he can do.

As I was about to inform my boss of my predicament, one car is leaving. Oh thank God for small miracles. So I parked and went in to register before I can enter the building. I thought I've to go to the security counter I normally go if I managed to park at the normal parking area but there is another counter just after the entrance and another miracle, I can take the nearest lift to go the department.

There is no time to run to the ladies so grip my notebook bag, breathe in... breathe out... and pray no accidents happen. I reach the department with 2 minutes to spare. Another miracle, all that adrenaline and the concentration given during the presentation makes me forget about my gastrointestinal problem for a while. The presentation and discussion lasts until 11.30, without much problem. I wanted to dash back to the office but I've to put a smile while everyone exchange pleasantries, congratulations, and a promise for another meeting.

Finally, I managed to leave. I think I can still 'tahan' until I reached office where I can 'do my business' in a comfortable environment. I'm safe. I'm in the office now but still have distress call every now and then where the toilet is just around the corner.

I shall call this condition minor diarrhea. A diarrhea, no way you can tahan one. Don't know what I eat that didn't agree with me yesterday but I sure hope this will not happen when I've to do another demo, presentation or training. Luckily, it's a short presentation and discussion. If it's full day training, I wonder how I can manage.

When you divorce your children, be prepared for the consequences!

I'm not into artist magazine, gossips, etc., but I happened to catch Nasha Aziz's issue in Melodi (TV3) last Sunday. One link to the story is here. The long and short of the story, Nasha said her father(adopted) died which makes her real father jumping up and down and said, "hey, I'm her father! Why didn't she acknowledge that I still exist?" Something like that.

I do not know the details of Nasha's live nor do I care to know. I brought the topic up because it is relevant to the issues I want to write.

When you divorce your children, be prepared for the consequences. This is not new. While there are some stories about mothers who left their children in the care of the children's father, there are thousand times more fathers who left their children to the wife after divorce. The reason could be many but there is no reason for the man not to continue being the father to his children. If he chooses not to be a father, do not complaint about it later.

One Raya advertisement comes to my mind. A mother and her two boys are preparing for Raya. Looks like life was hard on them. The mother sells something by the road side for a living. On Raya morning, the boys ride a bus to meet their father who lives in a big bungalow. The new wife opens the door, looking quite annoyed with the boys. Then the father came out and salam the children. If you still remember the advertisement, you may have your own interpretation of the characters facial expression.

Some men ARE irresponsible. They get married (konon2 cinta), have babies, and when they feel like they do not like the life they're having, divorce the wife and divorce the children (leceh ler nak jaga anak... nak kawin lagi, nak layan bini baru). Their conscience are not disturbed whatsoever when they did not provide child support.

What does it mean to be a father? If you think just because you contributed the sperm you deserve to be called a father, think again. You only deserve to be called 'sperm donor'. If your new life is not what you expected, when you're old and lonely, do not create sob stories about your children neglecting you. You deserve what you got. It is good the 'Jejak Kasih' section is no longer available on TV3. Some people just do not want to be tracked. You have chosen your life, now be gone! Forever is better.

Muslim men have bigger egos (some... not all). If the neglected children happens to be a daughter, he'll feel that when it's time for the daughter to get married, she will still have to look for the father to be her wali.

A woman is required to have a wali (guardian) to consent to her marriage regardless of her age. If her father objects to her marriage, she has to apply to the Court to allow the marriage by wali hakim. Women whose fathers object to their marriages, face many difficulties when applying for the wali hakim and there is no guarantee that the Court will allow the application even in a deserving case. Some women prefer to run away and marry in Thailand or other States rather than confront their fathers. This however creates problems about the validity of the marriage.

Full article here

Another reference here (in Malay).

While the concept is beautiful when a father has provided for the family, works hard to take care of them and takes care of his daughter, it annoys me when some men abuses this privilege. If they have never provided their children with child support, they shouldn't be at a position where they can decide on their daughter's fate.

I went to a friend's wedding long time ago. Her parents are divorced and she lives with her mother. The mother did not re-marry, the father did. I do not know of her relationship with her father. He did not give much problem on the wedding day but he puts on this look… like it is such a chore to come and be the wali. It is such a joyous occasion for his daughter but he puts on his gloomy face. I could be judgmental though and that COULD be his normal expression.

I believe the right authorities should look into this matter. Do not say it is black and white and final. We do not have Islamic Banking before, we have it now. We do not have zakat on take home income before, we have it now. A man who divorces his wife with 'talak tiga' cannot re-marry the wife but there is 'cina buta. He can re-marry the wife if the wife has married another man and then divorced. Don't ask me why it is called 'cina buta'.

Some people may say forgiveness is a virtue and other ....... (I do not want to say rubbish lah... you provide a word for me), but we as a human must have a choice. If the parent(s) divorces the children (with their act), the children must have a choice not to be associated with the parent(s) in any way.

More Than Planned

Do I miss my vocation? I'm still thinking... (refer here)

Below is part of lyrics from Disney's Beauty and the Beast story. Get full lyrics here. I think I'm facing a beast too. It is all the question marks in my head.

[Belle:]
Little town
It's a quiet village
Ev'ry day
Like the one before
Little town
Full of little people
Waking up to say:

[Townsfolk:]
Bonjour!
Bonjour!
Bonjour! Bonjour! Bonjour!
........
........
[Belle:]
There goes the baker with his tray, like always
The same old bread and rolls to sell
Ev'ry morning just the same
Since the morning that we came
To this poor provincial town
........
........
[Belle:]
There must be more than this provincial life
........
........
[Belle:]
Is he gone? Can you imagine? He asked me to marry him.
Me, the wife of that boorish, brainless . . .

"Madame Gaston!"
Can't you just see it?
"Madame Gaston!"
His "little wife"
No sir! Not me!
I guarantee it
I want much more than this provincial life
I want adventure in the great wide somewhere
I want it more than I can tell
And for once it might be grand
To have someone understand
I want so much more than they've got planned

My Love and Hate Relationship with 'W'

I'm sure my friends will raise their eyebrows so high when they read this entry's title. No friends. Don't hold that thought.

'W' is not a person's initial. 'W' is a name given to my office's wireless network. When it's behaving, I'm on cloud 9. The broadband makes things easy. I'll be browsing the internet in between doing my work. Yeah right! As the saying goes, 'sambil menyelam minum air'.

But 'W' is very temperamental. Sometimes I can't get any connection until I change and re-change some settings. Sometimes I can see 'W' but can't get connected. Sometimes I can't see it anywhere, no matter how many times I reboot the server or my notebook. Today, it has been doing fine the whole morning when it suddenly decided it wanted to go off.

When I can see 'W' but can't get connected, I'm still OK because it means 'W' is still around. I just have to figure out how to get to it. But today, after 'W' deciding to turn itself off, no matter what I do, I can't see it anywhere. What happen? I don't remember pressing any wrong button and still 'W' decided to go away? In fact I didn't press any button for it to be wrong. How can 'W' leave me just like that? I need you all the time OK. Checking the server, the router, didn't give me much clue anyway.

Now, who should I blame? I don't need an 'Idiots guide to set W at client'. At least I don't think so. But now I'm not so sure. Where else 'W' can be hiding? Maybe an idiot's guide can reveal the possible places where 'W' can be hiding eh.

WWWwwwww..........

Who Am I

Did you all see the movie 'Who Am I', starring Jackie Chan during CNY? He has amnesia so when the native people who saved him ask for his name, he said "who am I?" more to himself because he can't remember his name. The non-English speaking natives thought that is his name and called him Who-Am-I. It's cute and funny.

When I read 5xMom's blog about wanting everyone she knows to know about her blog, and Dr. Liew saying blog 'allows people to communicate with more truth than to cover-up their sentences with lies', I felt lost. Really lost.... and sad.

Who am I? Who do I want to be to myself? to my family? to my friends? And this, is not cute and not funny.

I've been a different person to many people, even in my blog. I didn't lie. I just didn't reveal myself as much and be as comfortable as any person who blogs anonymously. Isn't that sad. I don't even have pets whom I can talk and drown my sorrows to (I'm imagining myself sitting in front of a nicely decorated aquarium talking to little fishies who swam all over the aquarium while I'm pouring my hearts content. Very therapeutic). You can only gain so much sympathy from your friend. You can't keep on whining about your life to them or they'll feel you only give them negative energy. And I didn't write everything I wanted to in my blog either.

Trying to be what other people expect you to be is tiring. People expect you to be strong, to be able to handle everything, to be able to organize everything, to make sure everyone else is OK, to be forgiving, and at the same time, be funny and entertaining. I'm not even a wife and mother yet or the list of expectations will grow even longer. I'm already feeling tired with existing expectations. How am I going to cope?

Trying to be what you thought other people expect you to be is also tiring. Some of those expectations actually come from me. I'll make myself behave in a certain way so as not to make the other person feels uncomfortable, so people will see I have everything under control. How can I shed away that thought and be as crazy, as sloppy and as stupid as I want to be? How do I just let go and let others take care of me instead of the other way around?

So WHAT do I want to be? WHO do I want to be?

I used to be brave a long time ago. Everything is a positive challenge. Now, after so many years of following the path available to me instead of going on a new path and realizing I didn't like the place I've reached, the thought of fixing that before it's too late is daunting. Isn't it better to be miserable in a place where you're familiar with instead of miserable in a strange place? People who have experienced life at its lowest point are not afraid. My brother has been there. A situation where he got nothing to loose and life can't get any worse. The only thing that can happen afterwards is things getting better.

Knowing that, to let myself take a new path, hoping for the best and preparing the worst, seems too much to handle right now.

To be a brave warrior, to charge on a battle horse and conquer an enemy's castle, one needs a cause worth fighting for. I'm lost again. What WOULD be a good cause worth fighting for? So many questions!!! Right now, can't think of anything beyond finishing and posting this entry. A scene from Sleepless in Seattle comes to mind right now.... ' to wake up every morning, remember to breath, and work so hard that i don't have to remember to breath anymore.' But I'm not like him. I'm not devastated by the lost of someone so dear or anything. I'm just hanging around in this universe trying to fit in and do something.

So who am I? What am I going to do? What is that something? I'm thinking..... still thinking..... thinking....

Men I've Met

I've met two types of men in my life.

1) The ones who didn't 'DO' anything which even a no-brainer can translate into 'not interested'. I've also included those who likes to play 'tarik tali' in this category.

2) The ones who are so desperate you don't know whether they're really interested or just plain desperate.

Disclaimer: This post does not include those in the NEUTRAL category i.e. brothers, friends, colleagues and acquaintances.

Turn Thy Face Away

I'm ranting about this because one 'well known blogger' ignores my message on the person's ymsgr.



While technology has made it easier for us to keep in touch with our friends and loved ones, it can also make us become an ill-mannered person. Just think of the number of times we choose not to answer an email, sms, messenger, etc.



I think it is OK to ignore unwanted messages (the kind which I don't have to explain in further details), but to ignore a genuine message is like turning our face away when someone asked us something. Do we turn our face away when our friends or family talked to us? Do we turn our face away when a stranger we meet on the street/public transport/anywhere talk to us? They may try to make a polite conversation, they may want to know about something, but we turn our face away like they are some kind of a pariah.



While this haughtiness behavior can be observed on some people, most of us are polite individuals. We speak when spoken to, except of course when we're hidden behind a computer or a handphone. I have friends who are guilty of this, which irks me somewhat but sometimes I'm guilty of it too. I do try to give an appropriate response when I'm conscious about it. Trying to handle it 'later' may cause us to forget about the message totally.



I also experienced this with complete strangers. Well... not exactly strangers if they have blogs and write things about themselves for everyone to read. Reading their pieces could be interesting and enlightening and we thought he/she is such a nice person. At least, until we try to contact them, either through email or ymsgr. The blogger whom we respect can really disappoint us.



The things we want feedbacks on could be out of their blog topic that we think it's inappropriate to write in their comment box. So email or ymsgr we go and all we get is a loud silence. While some 'famous' bloggers may get many emails or messages, but still to totally ignore one genuine message is unbelievable to me. Even Jeff Ooi replies to my email.