Who Am I

Did you all see the movie 'Who Am I', starring Jackie Chan during CNY? He has amnesia so when the native people who saved him ask for his name, he said "who am I?" more to himself because he can't remember his name. The non-English speaking natives thought that is his name and called him Who-Am-I. It's cute and funny.

When I read 5xMom's blog about wanting everyone she knows to know about her blog, and Dr. Liew saying blog 'allows people to communicate with more truth than to cover-up their sentences with lies', I felt lost. Really lost.... and sad.

Who am I? Who do I want to be to myself? to my family? to my friends? And this, is not cute and not funny.

I've been a different person to many people, even in my blog. I didn't lie. I just didn't reveal myself as much and be as comfortable as any person who blogs anonymously. Isn't that sad. I don't even have pets whom I can talk and drown my sorrows to (I'm imagining myself sitting in front of a nicely decorated aquarium talking to little fishies who swam all over the aquarium while I'm pouring my hearts content. Very therapeutic). You can only gain so much sympathy from your friend. You can't keep on whining about your life to them or they'll feel you only give them negative energy. And I didn't write everything I wanted to in my blog either.

Trying to be what other people expect you to be is tiring. People expect you to be strong, to be able to handle everything, to be able to organize everything, to make sure everyone else is OK, to be forgiving, and at the same time, be funny and entertaining. I'm not even a wife and mother yet or the list of expectations will grow even longer. I'm already feeling tired with existing expectations. How am I going to cope?

Trying to be what you thought other people expect you to be is also tiring. Some of those expectations actually come from me. I'll make myself behave in a certain way so as not to make the other person feels uncomfortable, so people will see I have everything under control. How can I shed away that thought and be as crazy, as sloppy and as stupid as I want to be? How do I just let go and let others take care of me instead of the other way around?

So WHAT do I want to be? WHO do I want to be?

I used to be brave a long time ago. Everything is a positive challenge. Now, after so many years of following the path available to me instead of going on a new path and realizing I didn't like the place I've reached, the thought of fixing that before it's too late is daunting. Isn't it better to be miserable in a place where you're familiar with instead of miserable in a strange place? People who have experienced life at its lowest point are not afraid. My brother has been there. A situation where he got nothing to loose and life can't get any worse. The only thing that can happen afterwards is things getting better.

Knowing that, to let myself take a new path, hoping for the best and preparing the worst, seems too much to handle right now.

To be a brave warrior, to charge on a battle horse and conquer an enemy's castle, one needs a cause worth fighting for. I'm lost again. What WOULD be a good cause worth fighting for? So many questions!!! Right now, can't think of anything beyond finishing and posting this entry. A scene from Sleepless in Seattle comes to mind right now.... ' to wake up every morning, remember to breath, and work so hard that i don't have to remember to breath anymore.' But I'm not like him. I'm not devastated by the lost of someone so dear or anything. I'm just hanging around in this universe trying to fit in and do something.

So who am I? What am I going to do? What is that something? I'm thinking..... still thinking..... thinking....