I wonder whether I have developed a phobia of feeling or having any emotion. Negative ones that is. I don’t like watching heavy drama, I don’t like spending time watching movies, and I don’t even like reading a certain kind of books anymore. Why?
I don’t like the feeling of stress when I watch some dramas or movies. Soaps, with backstabbing, envy, jealousy and the likes, forget it. Movies that can potentially cause tears, forget it. Movies that can make me sit on the edge of my seat, disregard it. Books with plots that can haunt me for days, don’t even think about it.
Sometimes I’d look for spoilers on the Internet before watching any shows/movies so I’ll know how it will end. I’m just so impatient to wait for the story to unravel itself. If the drama or movie is showing some scene where something bad is about to happen, I’ll switch channel. I don’t have the heart to watch.
The feeling is just like watching our badminton team during Thomas Cup. How we hope they’ll win but when they’re not leading, we’d be prompted to change the TV channel. Just in case, they’ll pick up more points when we’re not watching.
I’m avoiding myself from having any emotion that I can’t do anything about. I wonder how some people can watch wrestling on TV, hoping their favorite wrestler will beat up the opponent real bad and yet they can’t do anything about it if the opponent beat up their favorite wrestler instead. Don’t they have heart attack watching all that action?
I wasn’t like this before. The only movies I avoid are Hindi movies. The plot is so predictable, the songs and fight scene means break time for me and yet, the endings can normally evoke tears. Crying gives me headache so no Hindi movies for me. Now, I just avoid any anxiety, worry, upset, stress causing dramas, movies and books.
Isn’t that bad? I don’t want to have feelings anymore. Or at least, I have to deal with enough emotions in the real world, I don’t want to escape into deeper feelings when I’m supposed to de-stress with books and movies.
Whatever it is, I’m feeling a bit weary. As a human, we’re supposed to feel. I don’t want to not wanting to feel. I’m part Leo. I can’t be an Ice Queen, cold and hard, devoid of emotion.
Sunflower gives the connotation of cheerfulness, bright, jolly, merry... you get the idea! However, if any content in this blog didn't fit the cheerfulness implied by its name, look at it this way... I'm putting down all the wretchedness, gloom, melancholy feeling in here so I can continue living up to the expectation of making the association to the sunflower.
2 comments:
Emotions like energy, they flow through you; you feel them and then they disappear. When you try to hold them back they build up.
You are not your emotions; you identify with them so often that in hating them you hate yourself. You just cannot love yourself and hate the emotions that flow through you at the same time.
The point is that we are here to experience. No right or wrong. No good or bad. No evil. We are here to watch our beliefs—regardless of what they are—spin out into reality Why deny your emotional experience even though they may be negative?
Let your emotions flow.... ^-^
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