Relationship 101

I had a disagreement with hubby. It's about my driving and it's getting from bad to worse. Let me rephrase that. My driving is fine. Or at least I thought it is fine. For some reason hubby has no trust whatsoever when I'm behind the wheels. Last time, he used to complain about it but still let me drive. Nowadays he wont' let me drive at all despite him being so tired and yawning till his jaw cracked (metaphorically speaking). Obviously he thought it is safer for him to drive despite almost falling asleep at the wheels rather than let a fresher me drive the car.

I won't get an award for being the safest driver in Malaysia. Neither will he. But I have never had anyone distrust my driving capability at such intensity. I remember having positive comments about my driving skills from man and woman friends. I admit though I'm not good at all when I'm tired. I might miss turns, won't be able to park straight and might not be as alert when I'm exhausted. Who wouldn't?

How would you feel when someone you love doubted your capability on something that you have been doing for years and survived Alhamdulillah. For someone who put a complete trust on fate and destiny, qada' and qadar, he will not let his fate and destiny be in my hands so to speak. For someone who has lived most of her adult life alone and do things on her own which includes driving all over Peninsular Malaysia for work and leisure, I thought that fear is irrational. It is also difficult to accept that suddenly I felt like a handicapped person.

In a relationship, there are several key to happiness and ever after. I believe some of them are communication, respect, trust, appreciation and recognition. All of them very delicate in nature.

From his point of view, he just can't help it that he feels unsafe when I took the wheels. From his point of view, I should respect that feeling as to him it's the most important matter of life and death.

From my point of view, I can't live with the fact that my husband distrust my driving for the rest of my life. How can I live with the fact that other people might appreciate my driving skills but not my husband?

So how would you communicate and improve the situation? In marriage I believe there are times where you should just grit your teeth and accept it. When two people who have different personalities live together, there are bound to be differences of believe, opinion, behavior and attitude. Just ask yourself in the long run, will it matter if you raise a ruckus over a certain issue. If it is not worth it, or if it will not support you in the Hereafter, just grit your teeth, accept it and let it go. It will be more pleasant for the rest of your married life and peace of mind.

So in this case, who should concede... grit teeth and accept the situation? Should I humor hubby who's troubled with the matter of life and death or me with a bruised ego? I can only argue for my case in this matter.

Obviously, this issue is very important to me or I would've just grit my teeth and let it go. At my lowest point, I can understand how some relationship becomes irreparable over petty issues. They might appear petty to us but could be a big deal to them as it involves trust, respect, honor, etc. I can understand how another relationships can be formed when you have the ability to communicate, you have the trust, respect, appreciation and recognition that you don't get with your existing relationship. As I've mentioned earlier, I can't live with the fact that we have to face the same situation every time we're on the road and we have to be on the road in a long journey very very often. It's an insult whether he meant it or not.

Hubby let me drive half way on our journey back yesterday. Did I win? It is not a game and I certainly didn't feel like I won anything. I do appreciate the fact that despite the fear, he let me take the wheels. I wish we had better communication over this matter though. I didn't feel like we've resolved anything really. The perception is... "So you really want to drive is it? Now drive!" No comments, no apologies, nothing! So what now?

I have lived alone for a big part of my adult life and had a relatively happy life so my tolerance to emotional blackmail or emotional torture is very low. That is certainly my weakness and I'm working on it. There will always be ups and downs in a relationship. When some issues arise, I will ask, "Is it worth it?", to keep myself in perspective. There's the bigger picture to look at i.e. the rest of our life and the Hereafter. There is no point in winning the war but losing the battle.

I might not be able to explain this situation articulately but the emotion of being trusted, appreciated, recognized and respected in every way is very important to me. Without all that, what's the point of life? It became meaningless.