From My Inbox: Quarter Life Crisis

Every now and then I'll re-read this email sent to me very long time ago, when I'm really at a 'quarter life' so to speak. I've passed that mark many years ago but still feel the need to be reminded that what happens around me is normal, that I'm normal and it's perfectly normal to feel confused and full of questions about the meaning of life once in a while. Everyone should do 'muhasabah' of themselves at the end of the day for self improvement but sometimes you just sail through life depending on where the wind blows, forgetting to check the destination's direction and whether the intended destination is where you really want to go.



Most of the time, there are no easy answers when it comes to questions about life. Most of the time we'll pray and hope for a guiding light that will lighten up a path for us to follow. But sometimes, we still have to feel our way around in the darkness and believe in our heart, the directions we choose without the benefit of the guiding light is destined for us. That is when we'll go back to sailing through life depending on the direction of the wind. If you feel I don't make sense, just let me be. I'm in one of my moods today.

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get hot and scared because you barely know where you are now.



You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you are.



You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.



You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.



You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not.



You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.



You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone, but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.



You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You wonder what in the hell is wrong with you. You worry about loans and money and the future and making a great life for yourself.



What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it and your friends and you are all in this together. You are in your best of times and your worst of times, trying as hard as you can to figure this whole thing out. You are making a lot of mistakes, but helping one another learn from them and reaching out to pull one another up. You are not the shiniest group of people, but you are very much a circle. You are there for one another and will listen and help heal and grow for the rest of your lives. You will piss one another off, but you will also heal one another's hearts. You are the group who will always call on birthdays and laugh at the end of a conversation that started with angry words. You are a group that talks trash about the same people you call to meet up with on a Friday night, but you are sorry about it and you know that they know that you were just being insecure like they have been. You are friends and in 10 years, when you have figured out where you fit in in this world, you will still be friends.