Ramadhan and Discovered Dreams

*Warning: A long and boring entry but I wanted to record this for personal future reading. Who knows I might forget about this part of my life in 2-3 years to come.

Muslims are allowed to leave office at 5 p.m. so ever since Ramadhan started, I've always leave office at 5 sharp. The time I reached home varies between 5.45 to 6.30 depending on the traffic jam. If I'm not mistaken, I've only bought food for Iftar once. At other times, I cooked my meals. I started cooking immediately when I reached home. Sometimes the dishes are ready by Iftar time, sometimes I've to continue cooking after breaking fast with some fruits and plain water.

After prayer, I'd do some work until about 11.30. I'll wake up for Sahur between 4.30 to 5.00 a.m. Once or twice I almost missed Sahur but still managed to reheat the food and eat something at supersonic speed because I woke up at 5.15. Then I'll continue doing my work before Subuh prayer and then get ready to go to office.

I reached office very early this Ramadhan month so I'll continue doing my work. If I have no training, I'll only stop for prayers and not take a nap at lunchtime like many did. If I have a training to conduct, I'll take a 20-30 minutes nap during lunchtime. I needed the rest as I have to talk, stand and walk around for about 6-7 hours.

Once I was too tired to open my eyes after Isya' prayers I decided to sleep. Then I woke up at 2 a.m. and continue preparing some training materials. I did not sleep right up to 11.30 p.m. I think that is a record for me. Sometimes we surprised ourselves when we're under pressure.

Today, I decided to stay at home and being able to enjoy doing the mundane things people do at home like washing the clothes and cleaning the house. That is relaxing. Cleaning the house IS therapeutic. I even cleaned the ceiling fan. You should see me armed with haze mask and wet clothes, standing on a chair and clean the fan. The mask would prevent me from accidentally inhaling any allergens and triggers non-stop sneezing that would spoil my weekend. I thought I felt cooler air from the fan, without the dirt and grime. Or could it be because it has been cloudy and then it rains almost the whole late afternoon right up to dusk today?

I've worked like a zombie these past few days. I've not think about Kuih Raya, Baju Raya, Langsir Raya and anything Raya. Any thoughts I have is about the trainings, what to cook for Iftar and making sure I wake up for Sahur or I'll have a tough time talking and standing for 6-7 hours during training.

Tomorrow, finally, I'll go Raya shopping with mom. My brother wants to tag along so he can make sure we did not overspend. And probably as a bodyguard too just in case some disturbance happened at Jalan TAR again. As for the over spending, he did not have to worry. Not that I have the money to spend. As for being a bodyguard, I have no problem. He can carry our things hehehe... The 'no money' thought got me thinking. I love doing what I'm doing. I mean my work. But I'm not making that much money as compared to the time I spent working. Does that mean you won't make much money doing things you like? Sigh! I know many people has proven me wrong so what did I do wrong here?

This thought has been in my subconscious for a few days. Some kids program on TV triggered it. I did not watch the kids program but heard their discussion while leaving the TV on as I go about preparing meals or doing other things. I don't exactly remember the conversation but I remember thinking about my dreams or non-existent dreams after listening to their dialogue. I did write about not having dreams anymore but have many interests quite some time back. I was wrong. I think I have suppressed all my dreams because of responsibility to family and being side tracked by other things when I started working. It could also be because I thought the dream is unachievable. Sometimes being logical and rational did not help. We'd ignore crazy ideas that may make unachievable dreams come true.

But now that the kids program has triggered some memories of long forgotten dreams, I started to remember the many dreams I once have. Luckily, it is not too late for me to pursue them. I've proven to myself again and again that I can get what I want when I want it hard enough. It may take some time, it may take a longer route, but InsyaAllah I'll achieve it one day :)

I'm not ready to share my dreams yet. I'll keep them private for the time being. I just want to share how thinking about them can make me smile. We can only plan and hopefully we'll succeed. If life have something else for us, it is fine too as long as we've tried. If we hope good luck to find us, that might not happen until our next life. What bothers me before is I don't think I want anything. So besides pursuing my many interests, I have nothing else to look forward to. Now that I remembered, I must make plans. So, I'll end today's entry with another smile :)