Cari 'Jantan'???

Dayang is belting this number right now. Quite appropriate for the entry I had in mind.

Tiga malam kumencarimu
Tiga malam hatiku sunyi
Dimanakah engkau sayang
Kuingin lekas kau pulang
-Tiga Malam (Dayang)-

I've seen and heard about marriages in hell. I've also seen and heard about marriages that are not anywhere near hell yet. And every time a friend told me they've found someone, my heart gets a jolt. How long has it been since there's someone special in my life? Very very long time ago it seems. Time flies so fast and it has been several years now that I consider being in a relationship is just not for me. Once or twice I came close to change that. Just close. When someone close tried to introduce someone with the possibility of marriage, I'd give many excuses so as not to put up their hopes and expectations, and maybe discouraged the idea altogether. It seems to work so far but then I wonder why I didn't want to give it a chance. As I've mentioned earlier, not all relationships ended up in hell.

I am not repulsed at the idea of having someone who cares and someone to care for but most of the time, the stories of terrible relationships and marriages are too terrifying to justify the risk taken. So here I am.

Sometimes I feel like voicing out my thoughts to my friends. These kinds of thoughts to be exact. If God created things in pair, shouldn't everything and everyone have partners? Or is He referring to general creations like day and night, man and woman, etc. But not man A with woman A and man B with woman B, etc. I'd wonder ten years down the road, will I live the same life? Half way through my analysis about life and relationship, some well meaning friends would come up with the following statement in their effort to 'calm' me down. "Sometimes, when we stop looking, we WILL find someone."

I don't know whether I should thank them or what. Excuse me... hellooo... for these past few years I ni takder kerja lain but cari 'jantan' ker? I know they meant well. I know they have my best interest at heart. But then again, words can hurt and inflict real wound. Unlike the lyrics from the song above, I did not spend sleepless nights looking for 'jantan' or 'sayang' whichever word you deemed appropriate. It's a luxury I could do without, considering the risk. And I think it is normal for any single person out there to wonder about their life and relationship sometimes. Just don't imply anything.

Maybe you can say that to someone who hangs around at the bar or mamak's every day and night, hoping someone would come along. Maybe you can say that to someone who has been pestering everybody he/she knows to set him/her up with somebody. Maybe you can say that to someone who has been looking for a relationship via chat room, dating websites, etc. all the time. But don't say that to me. It's like you don't know me at all. Well, maybe you don't and I shouldn't take offense. So instead of telling someone about what's in my mind, maybe I should just blog about it from now on. I'm sending my thoughts to the void and hopefully the void didn't come back with more nasty comments even if it is unintentional.

May everyone be happy with his or her relationship and me with mine.... or lack of it to be exact.