Polygamy: Another Perspective

* Written in the context of Muslim Malays

Whenever people saw or knew of a man who's married to more than one wife, the general reaction especially among female would be disdain or disgust - gatal, miang, tak sedar diri, tak cukup satu and many other similar accusations. If nothing seems to be wrong with their marriage, people would be wondering what kind of charm has the husband use on his wives. If the first wife accepts the husband's other marriages, relatives, neighbours and friends would continue giving 'advice' on how she should secure her rights on her husbands property, how she should assert her rights as the first wife and so on. I was with them until a friend, A, told me of this insightful story.

B, like many married women would look at divorcees in contempt, as if they have nothing better to do but snatch other people's husband; as if there is no possibility at all for her to also be divorced one day and face similar injustice. We have a long journey ahead of us in this life. God's willing, anything can happen. She was not divorced but discovered her husband has remarried three weeks ago. All hell breaks loose. However, she didn't want to join the rank of divorcees. A friend brought B to join religious classes to calm her down. When we have nothing else left, there is always Allah. She finally came to term with her husband's second marriage and decided to benefit from it too.

They live in the same Taman. The second wife is not working so she takes care of B's children after school and also cooks for the family. When B came back from work, she picks her children up and also some food packed by the second wife. The second wife did not drive so B would bring her around for grocery shopping together. They also did their shopping without having an impatient husband breathing down their neck. He takes care of their children at home :) B is happy with their symbiotic relationship and feels it is not too bad. True enough B has got not much of a choice but she's not at a losing end with her decision. Maybe more women in similar situation should think of how they can benefit from the circumstances. They can even gain a good friend.

[30:21] And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.

Love is not mutually exclusive. It is not scarce for which one has to allocate sparingly so everyone has enough to get by or fight for so it can be owned exclusively. What if love knocks on your door the second time? What if you have a feeling of deep respect for someone that you want to have a bond together? Some would ask what if a woman falls in love the second time? She can't have a second husband. Allah knows best. Most women have a tough time as it is being a wife, mom, daughter, staff or employer. It is just not in her physiology and psychology to deal with more than one husband. But I know there will be women who demand equal right in everything. I have nothing to say if some women decided they could handle a second husband. I have a tough time finding even one :) Having said that, I hope my blog will not be flocked by MGs trying their luck :p

Verse 4:3, Verse 13:38

Polygamy is not the norm in the society and not many men can handle it too. B's husband is just one of the few lucky ones who has rational wives. He is wrong to keep it a secret in the first place. The man who keeps his other marriages a secret is being unfair to his wives. If he died, there will be problems later on and he has failed with his responsibility of being fair to his wives. Did he think his responsibility ends when he is in the grave? There is nothing in the Prophet's 'sunnah' about lying to your wives. 'Sunnah Nabi' is the excuse many men used when they want to marry another. So, follow the proper 'sunnah'.

Verse 4:34, Verse 4:128-192 , Verse 65:6

The majority of women are still stingy when it comes to their husbands though. No sharing allowed! Can't blame us when so many men around have failed in their responsibility to provide for their families equally when they have a new wife. If men wonder why it is so difficult to get their wives to agree to another marriage, they should blame their own men folk. There are also other women who use their wiles to get the husband to ignore the other family. It shouldn't work though if the husband knows his responsibility.

Verse 3:14

Anyway, parties involved should determine what is their goal in life and Hereafter. Nothing belongs to us in this world. Our good life, our job, our property, our spouse and our children can be taken from us anytime. We don't have any sole right in those things. Be thankful with what we have and be fair for we did not want unfairness to happen to us.