30th September 2009, my short-lived happiness of knowing I'm about to become 'Ummi' ends. We have hopes for only 15 days. By doctor's calculation, I've been pregnant for 6 weeks and 4 days. Why on earth they start the calculation from the first day of our last menstrual cycle is beyond my layman's understanding. For the 15 days, I've scoured forums and websites wanting to know more about the little thing growing inside me. Seems like I don't need the weekly updates of my feotus growth and the few bookmarks on pregnancy anymore.
Friends, family and doctors consoled me on our lost. Rationally I know Allah knows best and everything has been pre-ordained... but on the day of my miscarriage, after we return from the hospital, I cried anyway. I'm thankful hubby can spend his time with me throughout the whole event. He has an outstation appointment very early the next day. Instead of going off in the evening, he went very early the next morning. I initially told him I'd be OK. I didn't expect the flooding of emotional feeling overwhelming my whole being after that.
I'm very naive when it comes to pregnancy and things related to it. So I had no idea whether I should be in confinement or not. That night we went out to have dinner. Mom called to remind me not to eat food with a lot of liquid in it. Tomyam and soup is out of the picture. Luckily she called coz I thought hot soup would be good to warm me up. Then someone called and mentioned I should be in bed and not jalan-jalan. We went 'beraya' after the black pepper steak dinner. When we reached home, I did feel the shiver and wrapped myself up in blanket.
The next day I have a whole day briefing. I don't feel well but it is important for me to attend it. Remember Madam Kucing who barks? She'll bark to kingdom come if I didn't show my face. I shivered, had a throbbing headache and felt really bad the whole day. Some friends said I shouldn't be there but since I was there already, I might as well hold on for a while. Thank God the briefing ends early. I didn't wait for the tea break but goes off as fast as I could and while the traffic was still manageable.
Some say for miscarriages less than 3 months, there is no need to be in confinement. However, my body is telling me something is not right somewhere. I better do something about it. The next day, I called mom and MIL for some tips and make 3-days massage arrangements. My ex-colleague gave me the masseuse number a long time ago since I like to go for massages. Thank God she can come over. For a price of course. I felt much better after the massage and air kunyit *grimacing face as I recall the taste*. I had to make the air kunyit myself and drink it if I want to heal quickly.
This morning I had another round of air kunyit, the yolk of kampung chicken egg (courtesy of MIL) and some honey *grimace again*. I prayed I'll get better quickly. I have to conduct a 2-days training next week. I heard there'll be 40 pax... I can imagine the amount of energy required to talk for the whole session, I have to stand the whole day and there'll be a short session at night too. I just have to get better.
Please also pray for 'ummi' :)
Kun fa ya kun. I believe everything is in His hands... just like how I met and marry hubby. InsyaAllah...
Sunflower gives the connotation of cheerfulness, bright, jolly, merry... you get the idea! However, if any content in this blog didn't fit the cheerfulness implied by its name, look at it this way... I'm putting down all the wretchedness, gloom, melancholy feeling in here so I can continue living up to the expectation of making the association to the sunflower.
2 comments:
so sorry to hear this. i went thru 3 miscarriages myself. was very weepy, after all was grieving for a lost. dont push the feeling away, i let myself have a cry out. insyaallah you are still young, may Allah grant you dutiful sons and daughters. hugs!
thanks atenah. it gives me a whole new perspective and understanding for mothers who lost their child. u take care too.
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