First Child

I did not have a very high expectation from people around me. Being the first child thought me that. It is not a big deal really. To me, it is just a fact of life. But when I saw how some people behave, or read some people's blog, it occurred to me how very very low my expectation to the people around me is. I take care of myself. I take care of my family to some extent. The thing that I fear most is not being able to care for myself and having to depend on other people no matter if the other people I'm talking about is my family. Of course there are the occasional help you require from family members but not overly dependent on them.

I write this because I feel something about it after reading many beautiful blog entries recently. I still can't pinpoint what exactly my feeling is. Is it envy? Is it plain acceptance? I don't know yet.

As a little girl, I've always accepted the fact that I'm a big sister and have to give ways to my younger siblings. We are quite well behaved kids. If we look at beautiful toys and mom said we can't buy this as it is too expensive, we'll just look at the toys longingly and follow mom quietly. Some cousins will pull the supermarket down from their crying and rolling on the floor, not going to stop until they got what they want. When parents and aunties pay more attention to my little brother, I'll just stand aside and look. It never occurs to me to do something, anything, to get their attention.

Life at a boarding school is tough but I never tell my parents about it. Never occurred to me to tell them about it actually. So when my brother reports about what happened to him at his boarding school, I would silently say, "alaaa... itu pun nak cerita". So as we grew up, mom thought life is easy on me. No news is good news right? Well, I survived the experience. So that's that.

When father left us, I try not to be a problem source for mom. She has had enough on her plate. I'll try to do what I can to help too. But sometimes, what I see as not a problem, she'll take it as a problem. Like the time when I work during semester break and use some of the money to charter a taxi on my own so mom will not have to worry how to get my things back to Uni, but that is a different story. The point is I try to do as much as I can so as not to burden anybody.

When most extended family members did not bother to find out whether we're OK, what more to provide assistance in energy or money, we survived on our own. We did not bother about them too. I learned not to rely on anybody and not to expect anything from anybody. But God is fair. There are some angels along the way. Not related by blood but they care and they do what they can to help. So when we did not expect anything, having people who care is a bonus. If you did not get anything, you will not get disappointed.

It also makes me appear as if I don't care much about things or people. Once, there is someone I know who cried because she did not know how to go around with the bus. No one is available to ferry her around. I go "Duh!" And no I did not offer to send her to wherever she wants to go. Going around with the public transport is a basic living skill. While I pity she is not provided with this basic living skill by her parents, she's not handicapped in anyway, she can read, she can speak, so look for road signage and ask people for direction lah.

I care about my family though. I can't just quit my job no matter how much I hate it. Until I find another source of income, I'll just tough it out. I can't take a job with unstable income. How am I going to give money to mom if I don't have enough for myself? There are many things a first child has to consider or forgo just because they are first and family members have some expectations from them.

I'm not whining or anything. All that has make me the person I am today. A friend remarked I'm too independent. I told him I have to be. No one is going to take care of me but myself. Well, of course my family would but they don't have to if there is no need for them to. Probably I bruised his ego a bit when I insist on doing things on my own and did not turn meek and submissive when he's around offering to be the macho man hehehe... I appreciate the gesture though.

Are you a first child too? How do you fare being the first? How do YOU treat your first child? That will determine how they'll turn up as an adult.