What Do You Want?

"When you want what you've never had, you must do what you've never done."

I was walking at a nearby wholesale store with a colleague during lunch time when I spotted a nice postcard with the above wordings and immediately bought it. What attracts me initially is the postcard's photographic beauty. And the wordings are profound too. It brings to mind a weighty question... what is it that I want and never had?

What IF you don't know what you want? I mean, everyone wants happiness, health, wealth, prosperity and many other things that we wish someone during their birthdays or festivals like Hari Raya or Chinese New Year. But what specifically do we mean by happiness, health, wealth, etc.? When we take stock of our life, we know where we are but we don't know where should we go from here.

Remember the 'mamat selling nasi kerabu'? I mentioned him in my past entries. I went late to the night market last Friday. He remarked I was later than my normal time and teasingly asked if I wanted 2 packs. I answered "just one" and he only wants to confirm I would be purchasing for one like I normally do. An indicator for him maybe.

After buying from his stall and walking around the night market for quite some time, he passed by me and said, "selalu nampak sorang jer". I was about to purchase my week supply of apple so I just looked at him and headed towards the apple stall. I'm not friendly with strangers. Probably a conversation would have occurred if it happens to other people. What struck me is that he has been observing me for quite some time.

And to think of it, I have been staying here for about two years. Just imagine the number of times I went to the night market, the number of times I passed by his stall whether I stopped to buy his nasi kerabu or not. I have always been immersed in my own world, sometimes I forget other people might notice my habit and routine. If he were a bad guy, I wouldn't even notice if he followed me around the night market. Quite a frightening thought.

Anyhow, I think he is harmless. I was just uneasy with the way he hands over my nasi kerabu so our fingers would accidentally hook to each other's and he'd touch my hand when he hands over the change. Iiiieeee.... can I shout sexual harassment? No more nasi kerabu from his stalls then :( But that wouldn't stop him from observing.

I have always averted my gaze when I passed by his stall coz if he noticed me he would call with his eager face. Now that things have advanced to 'accidental' touching stage, I really have to avoid his stall at all cost. I would have respected him more if he didn't try to get a cheap thrill with the 'coincidental' brushes of our hands and fingers. Anyway, that is another story.

But would I be walking alone at the same night market week after week, for one, two or more years from now? What would the future bring for me? Do I chart the course of my future or do I live it to chance? Some people would be more comfortable calling it destiny. Probably if something turned out wrongly, they can blame destiny for it. I prefer to chart my own course. I'd have more control of what I do if I set the destination. The BIG question is, where do I go from here? I'll be 32 in a few days and clueless about what I want to do. Is this where I should be all along or am I destined for something bigger?

Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but circumscribed. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?

I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So goodnight, dear void.

- Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail -

So what do I want? What would make me happy? Where would I be career wise? How would my personal life be? All are questions I'm unable to answer right now. When I was younger I thought adults would have all the answers. Another year would go by and I'm not any wiser :(