13 days

It has been 13 days since 'the' day it happened. I miss baby... but no amount of tears would bring baby back. I know that... but it is not easy to let go and move on.

Went to MIL's place a few days ago. My brother-in-law adopted the cutest baby boy just 2 days before my miscarriage. I took care of him for a few days while at MIL's place. I can't help but wish its my baby, perfect and healthy. I probably can't hold myself if its a girl. Looking at him, holding him, smelling him, I just wonder how it would be like if we have our own baby.

Only Allah knows if we'll ever have a baby. When I accepted hubby as the one destined for me, I hope I have the same strength to accept the loss of baby... and all our losses. A friend suggested I really rest for now and only think about things after my confinement. I probably should follow her suggestion. My emotion is still very raw at the moment.

I'm undergoing the full 44 days confinement for my body to heal and for me to gain my strength. As of now, I still get tired easily. Is it due to the 'bengkung' for making me short of breath easily? Even if it is so, I can understand the benefit of using it while in confinement so I'll be using it as much as I can stand it. I take it off whenever I feel like I need to breathe more than support my body.

I still don't have much appetite. I have no appetite for food that I don't like when I was pregnant either... like fried chicken. Most people undergoing confinement would crave for certain food and glorify when they get it either during or after confinement. As for me, there is nothing to glorify, nothing to celebrate. I don't have dizziness and nausea anymore but I don't feel like celebrating. I eat to recover and to be healthy fast. Turmeric juice, ginger, black pepper, pegaga, anchovies and fish, haruan tablet, NR Phytonatal tablet, oranges, anything that has been said to help body heal. I also avoid food that are not encouraged during confinement. No big deal when you don't have much appetite to begin with. I cook to make sure it has all the right ingredients.

I've had my massage and tungku on the 3rd to 5th day. I'll have few more massage sessions later. Right now I spend more time in our guest bedroom so I don't have to use the stairs often. I don't feel like watching TV too. When I had nausea last time, nothing much I can do but lie down and watch TV. Our favorite show (baby and I), Bones and NCIS. Now, I tolerated the sports channel when hubby is watching and also TV Al-Hijrah. It is no fun watching Bones and NCIS without baby.

I'm wondering what happen to the milk factory. I can feel it swollen much like when I was pregnant or when having period and there is sharp pain every now and then. I haven't tried extracting milk yet. Will it recover by itself eventually? SIL suggested cabbage leave and I forgot all about it when I shopped for groceries yesterday. I still shop for necessities. I wear my bengkung, socks and sweater and shop with hubby. Only yesterday I shop alone coz hubby is down with fever. He drove me to Giant and wait in the car.

Hubby has been having fever ever since we return from MIL's place. These past few days has been spent taking care of hubby. I love pampering him. He has been like a steady rock all these while... even more so after baby is gone. I find comfort in his arms and I love him more after we have to go through what we went through. May Allah give strength to both of us.

I hope I'll recover physically and emotionally soon... probably getting back to work, go on a date with hubby, going shopping or girls outing would get me back to living our normal life.