Mode: Gloomy

Pagi2 dah gaduh dengan guard kat hospital. Semua tempat parking dia tutup. Habis kat mana lagi orang nak parking? Memang ler kereta penuh tapi ni kawasan bawah2 pokok bukannya parking lot. Bagi jer lah orang masuk pandai2 ler orang nak squeeze kat mana. Ada nampak orang nak keluar pun dia suruh kita jalan juga. Tunggu 5 kereta keluar baru bagi 5 kereta masuk. Gila ker? By the time pusing balik dah tentu lah kereta lain yang dapat masuk. Berapa kali plak nak tawaf hospital tu? Kita kata ada appointment,  dia kata I peduli apa! Nak mampus agaknyer guard ni. Buat degil jer tunggu kat situ sampai dia buka jalan masuk dan kebetulan few kereta pun keluar.

Doktor punya diagnosis pun tak memberangsangkan. Tak pandai amik hati agaknyer doktor ni. Dia kata the bleeding normally shows unhealthy pregnancy but nothing they can do but wait to see baby's development. By 13th weeks boleh nampak tempurung kepala semua OK tak and will then decide for cerclage if necessary or  terminate pregnancy. Gloomy tak? Can't she give some hope or say something positive instead? She also said no proof if I didn't move around much I have less bleeding because bleeding may still happen but it pools inside instead of appear on pad like when I move around more.

Anyway, I'm strong enough to know all is in His will. Tak perlu nak susah hati on something yang tak pasti kan. Tapi, walaupun akal berkata begitu tiba2 terasa sayu dan berderai juga airmata ni. Mungkin ada perasaan stress yang perlukan release sebab tu airmata ni tak henti2 mengalir walaupun I'm rational with my situation. So rational sampai sempat berhenti tapau lunch sebab kalau tak beli sekarang nanti kena keluar lagi. Airmata taknak berhenti kita sembunyikan di balik sunglasses.