Weekend yang baru lepas ni ialah weekend pertama selepas pemergiaan cahaya mata kami, Adly, I sleep alone bila hubby takder. Otherwise I would sleep at MIL's place. Hubby dengan routine weekendnya dan sempat juga dia menziarah kubur last weekend. Sebelum ni terbit perasaan takut tinggal sorang. Takut tak dapat kawal emosi. Alhamdulillah kali ni tiada perasaan takut tu. Ada ketika emosi juga tapi tak lah sampai tak terkawal. I'm not human if I don't get emotional from time to time.
Asal mulanya plan tak balik weekend lepas coz few friends dok bertanya bila balik KL coz diorang nak visit. Takder lak yang call kata betul2 nak datang. Faham2 jer lah mungkin diorang tunggu kelapangan. Untuk yang bekerja, weekend boleh jadi masa yang sangat sibuk. MIL, SIL and their families pulak yang datang visit. Alhamdulillah. Tak ler rasa sunyi sangat. Yang penting, dah berjaya harungi keadaan kena tinggal sorang2 and sleep alone when I have to macam biasa.
Step by step in this healing process. Dah boleh tinggal and tidur malam sorang2, lepas ni mungkin perkara lain pulak yang akan overcome. Maybe semangat2 yang hilang pulak. Semangat untuk get back to work, semangat untuk travelling, kemas rumah (I have ignored the top floor for now), siapkan thesis dll. Sekarang rasa nak stay close around family and tak berminat nak pergi jauh2. So not like me... or what I used to be like. Tapi takper... step by step kan.
Cuma 2-3 hari ni rasa sunyi sangat. Hampir menjerut perasaan just like how I felt masa dekat hospital dulu. One of those days bila dah lama sangat jadi penghuni hospital. Tapi kali ni I'm at home. And I should shake myself out of it but it's difficult. Setiap yang berlaku dah ditetapkan oleh Nya dan itu lah yang terbaik buat kita. Banyak peringatan2 macam ni di FB. Kalau kawan2 advice pun lebih kurang begitu bunyinya. I know it too but knowing and experiencing or doing can be poles apart.
Cuba paksa diri join activity dengan kawan2 semula. Bulan 3 ada reunion with uni friends sempena menyambut 40 years old this year. Ladies events only. Ada yang dah beria2 nak dress up and show how fabulous they can look at 40. Memang my friends ramai yang gorgeous and awet muda. Tak perlu dress up beria2 pun takper. As for me, if I can show up is good enough. Tak payah cerita pasal dress up.
Setakat ni chat di WA pun dengan family or menjawab PM2 kawan2 yang kadang2 bertanya khabar. I still have not join in the group conversation. Still don't feel like it. Sigh! And these are groups of friends who have lent me support throughout my hospital stay. I appreciate all of them. I just still don't feel like it. Maybe kena paksa diri juga. Bukan susah pun. Bagi salam jer and see how thing goes. Bulan 3 juga paksa diri untuk travel. This time with family. I might end up really enjoying myself going to the gathering and travelling. I hope I will. Right now just go through the motion and commit to join these activities.
Semalam hubby melayan kerenah orang sunyi dengan sabar. TQ abang. Love you so much. A friend gave me a book by Yasmin Mogahed "Reclaim Your Heart". Hopefully some of the advice will help me.
Sunflower gives the connotation of cheerfulness, bright, jolly, merry... you get the idea! However, if any content in this blog didn't fit the cheerfulness implied by its name, look at it this way... I'm putting down all the wretchedness, gloom, melancholy feeling in here so I can continue living up to the expectation of making the association to the sunflower.
No comments:
Post a Comment