Baby Say Bye Bye Ummi, Ayah...

Baby dah takder.

Baby nak teman ayah dan ummi 4 bulan jer.

I miss having baby so much... vomiting, nausea and all.

When I was at the hospital, I was very calm. Almost no emotion. I was just going through the motion... all the procedures. The moment I almost reached home after being discharged, all the emotions surfaced. Reality hit home. I felt very lonely. Hubby was coping too. Last nite was quite difficult to get through for both of us. I just knew we have to be strong for each other. insyaAllah baby is in a better place now. Sometimes, I do feel like kesian baby alone, kesian baby sejuk... have to remember she is in a better place.

Baby's sex still can't be determined. We would like to believe it's a girl.

The following is something I wrote offline while I was in the hospital. Nothing to do in the ward. I was just documenting events with not much feeling. It's helpful however as it records the events so I won't forget anything important.

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Sat
Woke up around 2:40 am. Can't sleep till morning.
Doze off for a while around 7.
Breakfast fried mee with sambal.
Poop 3x. Hard ones, and painful tummy. I thought is it because of the fried mee? Later thoughts -- Is that actually effect of contraction?
Sleep early.

Sun
Woke up before 5 am. Urgent feeling to urinate. Almost didn't make it to the loo. A lot. Rush several times to the loo till around 10 before I took a bath to prepare to go to class. Later thoughts -- Is that really when my water broke?
Go to class. Lunch and dinner at cafe. I felt quite OK. No vomiting. Thought must be because I'm approaching 4 months. Happy I'm feeling better.
Quite jammed on the way back. People from long CNY holiday returning to KL.
Sleep early.

Mon
Woke up before 5 am. Sneezing...
Bleeding a little.
Stumped. Why? Only spotting, I could wait till morning to go to the hospital.
Hungry. Made Milo and had 3 pieces of biscuit.
Felt something, check, more bleeding, worried.
Toilet call, baby feet.
The private hospital I went for check up do not want to take the case. I would never go to them ever again.
Ambulance to Hospital Serdang.
Emergency room, asked to push, unsuccessful.
Sent to labour room.
Dr arrived at 10, tried pushing again, no luck. Given something to cause contraction. Nothing happened till 12:40. Baby's out 12:44. Placenta still inside. Wait for 1.5 hours, painful contraction. Dr helped get the placenta out. Poke and poke and poke in between contractions. Finally out at 2:45, no need for D&C.
Baby sent to mortuary. 60 grams.
Hubby arrived around 4 to take baby and perform burial at home.
Hubby reached hospital again around 6 and show burial video. So sad.
Why? Everyone said vomiting showed strong hormones, baby should be OK. Apparently not.
Warded for one night observation.
Can't sleep till midnight. My mind is busy, but I don't know what I was thinking.
Woke up at 2:40, can't sleep till 5. Thinking again, mind racing. Fell asleep till around breakfast time. Can't wait to go home. Dr just came, they will scan first, if everything clear, can be discharge today. Otherwise D&C.

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Today, I received a call from 'the' private hospital. The nurse asked if i'm ok since my last visit. I told her what happened. Apparently, the emergency dept staff told my gynae someone called and they sent me to govt hospital. They must have received an earful from my gynae. Since they didn't asked for my name, she gets her nurse to call all her patients. Nice gesture, but it is too late. I know it's not her fault though. At least I got to tell her of our disappointment.

Miss u baby...